School Forces Staff to Sign an 'I'm Straight' Pledge
Here's a plan that should offer foolproof results: Shorter University, a Christian Baptist institute of higher learning in Rome (Georgia, not Italy, but same difference, really) has sent all 200 of its employees a "personal lifestyle pledge." The pledge promises that the signee will refrain from all acts of homosexuality — as well as lesser transgressions like adultery, premarital sex, doing drugs, and drinking in the presence of students — but mainly homosexuality.
If they do not, they'll be fired, according to school president Don Dowless:
"I think that anybody that adheres to a lifestyle outside of what the biblical mandate is would not be allowed to continue here. Anything that is not biblical, we do not accept."
This is terribly unfair! So all the dozens of secretly gay employees who work at this bible school no one has ever heard of should just lie on their pledge. There. Solved. (If you're worried about being struck by lightning, don't be. There is no God.) [WSBTV via NYDN, Screengrab via shorter.edu]