Someone saw ScarJo and Joseph Gordon-Levitt kissing. Shia LaBeouf got in a bar fight and threatened to pull a knife. Katherine Heigl's three-year-old can walk in stilettos. Cameron Diaz and Naomi Campbell go dancing. Thursday gossip swaps spit.

  • Scarlett Johansson and Joseph Gordon-Levitt were spotted "kissing" in New York City "last month." Last month! What do you think this is, a gossip blog printed on paper, stapled into a booklet, and mailed to your house with an insert from the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes? By keeping this anecdote to yourself, unnamed "eyewitness," you have completely ruined our ability to create a portmanteau moniker (Johavitt?) and speculate wildly about baby bumps and weddings. This brings us to an important question of tabloid metaphysics: If two celebrities are sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, and the tree falls and no paparazzi are there to document it, did it really happen? Are they dead from tree-related injuries and splinter trauma? Or have they transformed into wood sprites, and hired Baz Luhrmann to direct a musical remake of Fern Gully? ScarJoJoGoLe: Brangelina of wood sprites, breaker of hearts. [Us, image via Getty]
  • A drunk Shia LaBeouf got in a bar fight in Vancouver and allegedly threatened to pull a knife on his assailant. Apparently Shia "drunkenly sway[ed] into several patrons," then radically overestimated his abilities at fisticuffs. Here's a video of Shia crawling out from underneath a giant man who had pinned him to the sidewalk. When he gets up, a bystander grabs him and tell him to cool his jets—then ends up with Shia in a headlock after he allegedly taunts, "Well, what if I grabbed my knife on you?" The wrestling continues halfway through the door of the bar, prompting a off-camera female to chastise lazily, "Hey guys, in or out. Can't stand in the door." A man with a knife is in a headlock, and you're worried about the door being open? Weirdest celebrity bar fight ever. [TMZ]

I don't believe this story that Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are "headed for a split" in the near future. What do you take Kim for, an amateur? She's got him on contract for one season of her show, plus promotional appearances when it syndicates in Asia, at least. [L&S]

  • Cameron Diaz and Naomi Campbell are besties, now, and "chatted and danced the night away" at a disco party. [People]
  • Kristen Stewart was injured on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman, but "nothing scary." Just a routine teenage bloodletting gone awry, no worries. [Us]
  • Katherine Heigl says 3-year-old daughter Naleigh is "a total girly girl, and she put on these crazy stiletto shoes and could walk in them! She's three years old and her foot is this big, but she could like walk around in these stilettos that I think are impossible to walk in." Future BFF of Suri Cruise. [Us]

Here's Nikki Reed's much-anticipated bridezilla wedding dress of impossible extravagance, featuring 100 diamond buttons and a 6-foot train. Looks surprisingly normal from this angle. [Us]

  • On the European tour for movie The Ides of March, George Clooney was spotted galavanting around Paris with his lady wrestler lover, Stacy Keibler. "They hugged some together, but weren't what you would call very kissy-kissy in public." Cootie shot isn't up to date, probably. [People]
  • "Taylor Armstrong's new boyfriend has a violent past." Oy vey. [Radar]
  • Julianne Hough on battling acne: "Horrible." [People]