Candy medicine! Preemie autism! Medical marijuana! Shy teens! Sick Americans! Aggressive kids! Down's fetus! Coyote cloning! And kids these days can't seem to do a god damn thing healthily! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—nurturingly!

  • A science fair project by a couple of enterprising seventh graders showed that more than one in four kindergarten children can't tell medicine from candy. Jesus Christ. Just read the labels, you idiots. And who let seventh graders into the medicine cabinet? Where's my Oxycontin? These pills taste like Mike & Ikes.
  • Premature babies have a higher risk of autism. Never have children.
  • The California Medical Association now supports legalization of marijuana. Yeah. Yeah. California, home of the hippie doctors! Smoking the pot, I'm not sure if I want you doing surgery on me, doc! Hey, more like the California Medical Marijuana Association, eh? People in California like to smoke marijuana, the wacky weed. I am Jay Leno, and I'm with you, doc.
  • Breaking: "Shy teens may suffer from social phobia." What next, tall teens being altitudinous? Loud teens being voluble? It doesn't add up.
  • In response the incessant, intolerable whining of four year-old brats, the American Academy of Pediatrics now says that it's okay to give Ritalin to four year-olds. Or vodka, whatever. Never have kids.
  • LOLOLOL: a measly one in seven U.S. workers "is of normal weight without a chronic health problem." Sometimes you just have to laugh. It's like, somebody put us out of our misery!
  • Oh great: turns out that kids who are exposed to "swear words in media" actually become more physically aggressive. Ugh. You can't even watch any fucking cool movies until they're 18, unless you want to fucking fight them. Never, ever, have kids, if you can help it.
  • Does your fetus have Down's Syndrome? Probably, with your luck.
  • "Disgraced scientist clones coyote." Now there's a story that you want to learn more about, right? Well you're not getting it here, deadbeat.
  • Now they tell us that teens who work night shifts are at increased risk for multiple sclerosis. So what are we supposed to do, just let them sit around the house all night, cramping my style? I don't think so. That's baby-making time. Never have kids.

[Photo via Biser Todorov/Flickr]