Science stars! Kraken lair! Saturn rings! Persistent chemist! Envious mind! Foreign insects! Baltimore telescope! Ancient language! And a serious geological epochal debate! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—perilously!

  • Oh my god they've found the lair of the giant Kraken sea monster! "I'm going in, it's for science!" she said. "No, you can't! It's too dangerous!" I said. "Well I am even though I'm a brilliant and beautiful science lady who finds you irresistible because you are so fine," she said. And the she disappeared, so I guess you can't meet her.
  • Here's a list of ten brilliant up and coming young scientists that you could probably rob real easy.
  • Guess what you can see in Saturn's rings? Your mom's butt. Also something about a comet.
  • For one crystal chemist, persistence paid off—with a Nobel Prize. Might persistence also pay off for you? It's not statistically likely, no.
  • New experiments show that feelings of envy has the effect of making our minds sharper, but at the cost of making us unable to stop obsessing over the people associated with our envy. Like that motherfucker Carl. What is it with him? Fuck that guy.
  • Hey, what's the deal with foreign insects and diseases getting into the US? Well why don't you use your own eyes to read this story about it, instead of asking me? At times I feel like a babysitter around here. Don't ask me things if you know I can't answer.
  • A full-scale model of the four-story-high James Webb space telescope is coming to Baltimore's inner harbor. "Here's a god damn boondoggle of a nonsensical piece of space crap to hopefully trick people into buying ice cream and walking around the single part of our city still declared fit for human habitation," said the Baltimore Tourist Board, while injecting heroin.
  • Linguists now believe that ancient people primarily spoke languages in subject-object-verb order, "like Yoda." You want me to make a Yoda joke right here? I'm not fucking going to. You people.
  • Are we, at this very moment in human history, entering a new geological epoch? Or are we, on the contrary, entering something very different: your mom? We can discuss it, guys.

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