Liv Tyler's mother Bebe Buell gave an interview to America's trashiest magazine Steppin' Out, and the result is a bizarre portrait of the conflicted mind of a momager and old school fameball.

Says Bebe:

If Lindsay spent a year with me I could turn her around. I could have her winning her first Oscar in two years!

Background: Bebe got her start in show biz as a groupie/model, posing for Playboy in 1974 and earning the moniker "Rock's Erotic Pin-Up Queen" in Oui. She procreated with Steve Tyler, but initially pretended Liv was someone else's daughter. In Liv's early teens, Bebe introduced her to her real father and helped her launch modeling and acting careers. Basically, if Bebe was a decade younger, she would be in Dina and Kris Jenner's class of reality star momagers. (Idea: Almost Famous update, in which the groupie out-fames the rock star by making a sex tape.) Bebe thinks Kris does it right, and Dina does it wrong. Good momagers don't do it for money, but "spirituality."

It's sort of fascinating to watch Bebe's logic unfurl over the course of a long monologue, so here is the entirety of what Steppin' Out sent us via press release, emphasis mine:

Dina Lohan's relationship with her daughter Lindsay disturbs me. I don't see a mother and a daughter there. If my beautiful daughter was like that.... I mean Lindsay and Liv were practically born on the same day. [Ed: They were born nine years and one day apart.] So I look at Lindsay and I see my own child in her because there's a great talent there. But if my baby girl got that screwed up I would NOT allow to make her own decisions. I'm sorry! Anybody can think what they want. But I would abduct my child and I would make sure that I didn't leave her side until she didn't have those problems anymore.

What her mother has done with Lindsay is morally wrong and disgusting. She should back off. Lindsay is the one with the talent. She's the star. But she also has to be responsible for her own actions. Her mother needs to start being a mother and not yes her to death. Maybe I'm speaking out of turn, it's none of my business. But look at what Kim Kardashian's mother has done for that family. I actually love what she does! I think she's qualified and the family has made a joint decision that they want to be in this together. What Kim Kardashian has done with her family and brand is brilliant!

If Lindsay spent a year with me I could turn her around. I could have her winning her first Oscar in two years! First I would want to go some place alone with her. I would take her some where in the fresh air. I would want her to tell me what's happening inside of her and what's hurting. I would ask her why she needs to feel altered. If she says because it's fun and it feels good I would feel she has a good chance. Because we all acted up when we were her age. There just weren't so many camera's on us back then. But this kid can't do anything and everybody judges her. She's so talented. She's like a young Ann Margret to me. I would just love to build her self esteem and let her see how beautiful she is.

The first thing I would do is put 10 pounds on her. She needs a more Kittenish quality. She's looking too thin right now. That's not a good look. And she also needs to go back to being a natural red head. The blonde hair doesn't work. It ages her. She just needs the right people around her. She's got it all man. She's just around people who don't get it.

She needs to stop going out and not being seen for a while. The mother going with her to events and witnessing her throwing drinks and stuff like that infuriates me! It makes me angry! It's about a lack of education and connection on the mother's part. I don't mean school when I say education. I'm talking about the education of the soul. Some people just aren't elevated. They're not there yet. She's driven by money, not spirituality. I gave up the desire for money to be there for my daughter. I feel that's what Dina should be doing. Be there for Lindsay, like I'm there for Liv.

I feel like the Margaret Mead of momagers right now. [Steppin' Out, image via Getty]