Alexis Stewart drops a bombshell: She has seen her mother pee, and it was disturbing. Elizabeth Hurley gets engaged. James Marsden gets divorced. Joseph Gordon-Levitt ruminates on the relative sexiness of slaves. Monday gossip has mommy issues.

  • Most bitter daughter in America Alexis Stewart—whose life work consists of ridiculing Martha Stewart, on Martha Stewart's dime—has written a memoir! To what terrible type-A mommy issues do we owe the foul-mouthed terror that is Alexis Stewart?
  • She used to make me wrap my own presents. She would hand me things right before Christmas and say, 'Now wrap these but don't look inside.'

My mother has a sign on all of her doors to take your shoes off. For god's sake! My mother's dogs pee and shit on her rugs and she's telling people to take their shoes off?

[She] always peed with the door open. I remember saying, 'You know, now I have friends over! You can't do that anymore! It's gotta stop! My friends' parents don't do it! Give me a break here! I don't feel like being embarrassed!

Since everyone assumed Martha raised her in a perfectionist sweatshop, these stories are sort of humanizing! I mean, the gift wrap thing is weird, but the shoe and bathroom conflicts are endearingly normal. "If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again. I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head," Alexis concludes, and I almost want that not to be a metaphor, because otherwise I can't make sense of Martha and Alexis' bizarre relationship. Martha issued a statement saying she supports her daughter. Sidenote: Martha is absurdly youthful for 70. That's four years older than Helen Mirren. [Us, ABC News, images via Getty]

  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt on women: "There's a difference between a girl who's sexy, like, 'I'm a slave,' and an assuredly sexy girl like Beyoncé. But I have to admit, man, I fall for the slave thing, too." Thanks, Joe. [Blackbook]
  • Bethenny Frankel is shopping a talk show, and had to hire a coach to teach her skills like "speaking more slowly" and "being nicer." Fuck the talk show. I want My Fair Lady: The Bethenny Chronicles, featuring a stern British governess and Bethenny Frankel sipping Skinnygirl Margaritas through a mouthful of marbles. [P6]

Elizabeth Hurley got engaged to Australian cricket champ boyfriend Shane Warne, who tweets that his "left knee is sore" from the experience. (How long did the proposal take? Maybe Australian cricket champs are not very limber?) The ring is sapphire, diamond, and ginormous. [DailyMail, @warne888, People, image via Getty]

  • James Marsden's wife has filed for divorce. "Irreconcilable differences." On the day she filed for divorce, James was filmed carousing with friends at Papaya King at 4:30AM. If my wife was leaving me, I'd seek the salted high-fat comfort of a hotdog, too. [TMZ]
  • Kristen Stewart on Breaking Dawn: "I've always loved Jacob and Bella so much." Is she secretly Team Jacob? This changes everything. [Celebitchy]
  • In other Kristen Stewart news, she wants to direct "really, really badly. Me and Dakota were having this conversation the other day actually, and she also wants to do it really badly." Is her repeat use of the word "bad" a Freudian slip? Or just a demonstration of how articulate and clear a director she would be? [Celebitchy]
  • Jessica Simpson still hasn't said whether or not she's pregnant. That means she totes bags is, right? [Daily Mail]
  • Ridiculous fashionista Daphne Guinness, who will eat when she's dead, is starting a film production company. May she cultivate her eccentricity in increasingly public venues, forever. [P6]
  • Nancy Grace promises "more action" on Dancing with the Stars. Nipple action? (Sidenote: That was totally a pastie, not her nipple.) [People]
  • After 28 years of living in sin, Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed have finally married. Mazel tov. [People]
  • Speaking of long-coming marriages, Seth Rogen married his girlfriend of seven years. Mazel tov x 2. [Us]