Jason Biggs' real life is actually sort of like his American Pie life. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are getting some Kabbalah Kounseling. And poor Cyclops can't win. Saturday gossip is looking for its daughter, who may or may not be with a goat.

  • Well, one time Jason Biggs and his wife Jenny Mollen hired a prostitute, and now Mollen has written about it in an essay for "The Smoking Jacket," a website affiliated with Playboy. The essay is roughly one million words long, but, basically, Biggs and Mollen try to hire one woman ("a no more than three foot tall Filipino [sic] chomping gum and twirling her hair") but Biggs can't get any money out of the ATM, so they hire another woman ("tits that seriously could have knocked anybody under six feet tall unconscious... In other words, she was hot") and Jason Biggs has sex with her for a minute and then Mollen gives Jason Biggs a blowjob and then they get "bored" and Jason Biggs' penis becomes flaccid. So they hang out with the prostitute and then they go home and their relationship is stronger, or something. Anyway the essay is filled with all kinds of swear words and Mollen uses the word "whore" a lot, so you can tell she is funny and quirky and like totally laid back about sex and not at all desperate for approval or insecure in a way that manifests itself as a really aggressive kind of juvenility. Plus "whore" is just like a hilarious word that all women love to hear, especially sex workers! Right? Right?? Whore!! HA! I'm laughing right now!!! Please love me. [The Smoking Jacket]
  • Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore went to the Kabbalah center in L.A. on Friday morning. They "arrived and left separately," and Kutcher "looked worried." Is the marriage over? Or did Kutcher murder someone and is now afraid he will be caught and locked up for life? Those are the only two things he could be worried about, so. [Page Six]
  • James Marsden's wife is leaving him... for Wolverine! No, actually, they're just getting divorced. Wolverine is not involved. He is not even real. [TMZ]
  • Elizabeth Hurley, famous for managing to be both English and attractive, is engaged to Shane Warne, who stars in the long-running British satire of baseball, "Cricket." He agave her an enormous sapphire ring to symbolize his love for the novel Push. [Daily Mail]
  • Halle Berry broke her foot in Spain while chasing after her daughter Nahla, who was chasing after a goat. The goat had promised to give Nahla a tin of candies that would guarantee eternal beauty if Nahla would only give him a lock of her hair. The goat's whereabouts are unknown. [People]
  • Check out all the cool dudes who showed up to see Radiohead during their two-night stand in New York City: Chris Rock, Chris Martin, Cameron Diaz, Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson, Blake Lively, Alicia Keys, Edward Norton, John C. Reilly and Jack Black. Those concerts must have been bright... from all the star power!!!! [Page Six]
  • Jay-Z might move to Brooklyn! We think he should be forced to live in one of the brownstones right next to Atlantic Yards. [NYDN]

[image via AP]