America's saddest divorce has its saddest development yet today. Also: Patrick Schwarzenegger is in trouble, Jack Osbourne is getting hitched, and Rihanna has genitals.

  • The ongoing saga of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore's terrible split-up continues. Today the news is that Ashton no longer follows Demi on Twitter. On Twitter! On Twitter?? Yes, on Twitter. Ashton follows some 600 people (perfectly proportionate to his million-jillion followers) and Demi, duhhhh, used to be one of them, with her @mrskutcher name and everything, but now SHE IS NOT. According to this newspaper for old people anyway. Whodathunk it? Hm? They seemed like the eternal couple, like salt and pepper, like always together. Instead now it's all just this dump. On Twitter?? On Twitter. No longer following. Do not follow me, I don't know where I'm going. What a thing. [P6]
  • Irish unsettler Rihanna is still in Northern Ireland and still creating filthy woman's bit-related problems. Men can hang out at the pub with their John Tories out all night for all they care, but any sinful ladypart that catches a glimpse of fresh air is condemnable. The latest one is Rihanna's fagina, which she needed waxed, emergency style, at 2:00 am on a recent morning in Belfast. This was all in preparation for her music video shoot, the very one in which she showed her filthy woman-mounds and offended the townsfolk. Meanwhile, Rory O'Reardon is running around the high street with his Peter O'Toole flappin' about like it was St. Stephen's Day and no once cares one tiny bit. [P6]
  • Aw. Former big fat weirdo turned slightly normal person Jack Osbourne, son of addled zombie Ozzy and British shriek-witch Sharon, is engaged! Yes, Jack plans to marry the actress Lisa Stelly, who looks like this so good on you Jackie boy! Meanwhile, Kelly Osbourne remains lost in Candy Land, deaf to the search and rescue team's cries. [People]
  • Ummmmm. So it seems that Patrick Schwarzenegger, dreamboat son of Arnold, has gotten himself into a little traffic scrape. Yeah he was speeding and got pulled over and the officer, a young rookie right out of the academy, asked to see his license and registration and then Patrick said "What if I showed you this instead" and then the officer said "That's quite a nightstick, let me show you mine" and then the music started and they're in the back of the squad car and oh holy christ this kid is 18, Richard. You're a full decade older than him. Give it a rest. [TMZ]
  • Hahaha. Ohhhh man. Justin Theroux, the current doomed boyfriend of old spinster Jennifer Aniston, has a little motor scooter that he rides around New York City and it seems, sniff sniff, that the poor thing has been vandalized with... bologna. Yes, the old bologna trick! The one that takes paint off of things, I think. Though maybe not. A neighbor said: "I got the impression it was some weird message, like, ‘You're full of bologna.'" HAHAH. Yupppp. That's the kind of message that people are sending these days. Absolutely. "Hey buster, and m'am please forgive my language, but you are full of bologna. And you're a turkey, too." I mean, really dangerous messages like that. Just terrible. Just terrible! I wonder if little Justin came downstairs in his trendypants and little hat and found his motorbike all covered in lunch meats and cried and cried. Ha, what a maroon. OK, I DID IT, guys. It was meeeee. I did it because I think he's full'a bologna! [P6]
  • Apparently Sandra Bullock and Heidi Klum hung out together in Los Angeles recently and danced in a booth at a restaurant. They were at something called Beacher's Madhouse and they just kinda danced in their booth while hanging out. That's the news story. That's the dish, the scoop, the dirt. Two middle-aged ladies got dance-freaky in a booth at a place in Los Angeles. Keep spinning, world! Don't let this slow you down. [Us]
  • Scarlett Johansson and her former husband Ryan Reynolds reunited last night at the Radiohead concert at Roseland Ballroom. Supposedly some sort of onlooker said: "Ryan and Scarlett came in together right before the show started and just watched, rocked out and left together." ROCKED OUT? Oh, yeah, they just rocked out, y'know. That's how normal people say things. Is Us Weekly even trying to pretend they don't plainly make up these people anymore? I mean, "they rocked out." No one in the history of the English language has ever, ever, said that. They rocked out. Oh puhhleeease. Puhhlease forever. I'm throwing lunchmeats on your motorcycle, Us Weekly, because I think you're fulla bologna on that one. Please. Rocked out. As if. Never. Not once ever. [Us]

[Photo via Getty]