Since everyone in America aged 17-29 smartly decided to "wait out the recession" by enrolling in college—a magical fantasy land which temporarily makes your lack of purpose in life disappear—it stands to reason that college graduation rates would also be rising, right? All those motivated young go-getters just raring to acquire skills with which to grab the world by the throat, and eat it? Right? No.

A new report out today says that college graduation rates are bad. Particularly among part-time students—a category that includes 75% of all college students today! Nobody can afford to go to college full time any more. It's much harder to graduate as a part time student, meaning it's much harder to graduate as a poor student, meaning the people who can least afford to fail are the most likely to sink money and time into college without ever earning anything except... priceless knowledge. And listen to this depressing shit, from the NYT:

The numbers are stark: In Texas, for example, of every 100 students who enrolled in a public college, 79 started at a community college, and only 2 of them earned a two-year degree on time; even after four years, only 7 of them graduated. Of the 21 of those 100 who enrolled at a four-year college, 5 graduated on time; after eight years, only 13 had earned a degree.

Texas! You continue to be an embarrassment to us all. Though the rest of the country isn't exactly the Library of Alexandria: less than a quarter of part-time students are able to get a bachelor's degree in eight years. And less than 8% of part-time students are able to get a two-year associate's degree in four years.

Less than eight fucking percent. So for all of our mockery of hilariously expensive hippie schools, the real story of America higher education is a second-generation immigrant in Texas working at Foot Locker and going to night school and never quite making it.

This is what happens when you ban energy drinks on college campuses.

[Complete College via NYT]