The dying US Postal Service announced today that for the first time in like ever, living people will be appearing on stamps. To wit:

The Postal Service is dropping a rule that currently requires an individual to have been deceased at least five years before being honored on a stamp. Under the new guidelines, living or recently deceased individuals will be eligible for commemoration on postage stamps.

"This change will enable us to pay tribute to individuals for their achievements while they are still alive to enjoy the honor," said Patrick Donahoe, Postmaster General

"Gonna be completely fucking honest with you guys," Donahoe continued, hastily tossing an empty half pint of gin into a nearby mailbox, "We need the money. Bad. Do you know how much a stamp costs? Like, not even a fucking dollar. We literally have to sell billions of these fuckers, or in a few year's time our whole operation is just gonna be me showing up at the Grand Forks post office every Wednesday from 2-4 in the afternoon and handing out mail on a first come, first served basis, for tips. And what are we going to sell a billion of? Amelia Earhart and Roberto fucking Clemente? No, Lady Gaga and whoever Lady Gaga is currently having sex with, commemorated in a tastefully nude pose on a US postage stamp. We're doing what we gotta do. I don't want to hear any complaints from philately purists."

"Get a life, philatelists" he added.

[USPS via The Lede. Photo: AP]