Meet Shalanon Brooks, the kind of functionally retarded person you encounter frequently in Southern California. Shalanon is the owner of a Pomeranian whom she named "Malibu." (See first sentence.) She didn't just buy Malibu, but was actually prescribed Malibu for "emotional support." (See first sentence again.) Shalanon went to spend a day riding roller coasters at Six Flags Magic Mountain, but when she realized the strap of her Louis Vuitton dog carrying-case had broken, she opted to leave Malibu in her car with the windows cracked open and some water and food. (See— Enh. You know the drill by now.)

Well, while Shalanon was experiencing the miracle of flight on Tatsu, Malibu was freaking the fuck out. A park worker patrolling the parking lot noticed her inside.

"Our security personnel and the Sheriff saw the dog, which they thought was dead," according to Six Flags spokesperson Sue Carpenter.

"[They] broke into the car to get the dog out. We brought it over here to the dog kennel, revived it, gave it some water and cooled it down," Carpenter said.

Apparently, people leaving dogs in cars in a scorching parking lot in Valencia is a common occurrence at this particular Six Flags. The park's policy is to break into the cars, rescue the animals, and leave a message on the windshield alerting them to where their not-dead dog is waiting. Well, so far so good. Except then Malibu escaped! She ran out of her kennel while her water bowl was being refilled, and fled into the parking lot.

Now Shalanon is "distraught." Do you know what "distraught" means? It's a synonym for "suing." Will she win? I don't know! This is a great case study for first year law students. I'll rule in favor of the park, however, seeing as they not only saved the dog's life, but freed it from an existence of being zipped inside Louis Vuitton accessories, one of which would all but certainly have been set down on an airport security conveyor belt in a moment of absentmindedness. Malibu is better off, wherever she is.

Enjoy Shalanon's entire freakout performance here. [CBS2]