The Great East Coast Rumbler of 2011 has, for the most part, produced a lot of bad news. Not terrible news, mind you — just mildly inconvenient, bummer-type news. Cracked monuments. Missed golf putts. Random stabbings. Belching orangutans. That kind of thing. But what's this? Not just a story of earthquake uplift — but a full-fledged miracle. The earthquake gave a deaf man his hearing back!

75-year-old D.C. resident Robert Valderzak — a VA hospital patient who'd lost his hearing last Father's Day after a fall — amazed his family on Tuesday when they came to check on him after the earthquake. Valderzak, who'd been silent for months, sat up in his bed and said: "You know, my hearing is back. I can hear everything, people in the hallway."

How is such a thing even possible? Who cares! It's a sign! The earthquake came not to hurt us — it came to save us! The earthquake is our seismic messiah. Hallelujah!

[, screengrab via myfoxdc]