A new study that followed more than 10,000 people for 22 years showed that women tend to gain weight in the two years following getting married and men typically gain weight two years after getting divorced. Every couple is doomed!

The scientists behind the Ohio State University study attribute the weight gain in women to having more duties around the house after tying the knot, which gives them less time to exercise. They don't take into account the months of dieting, starvation, and idiotic juice cleanses that women endure so that they will not have one ounce of back fat on their wedding day. Once the honeymoon sets in, that weight is going right back where it was and will probably get even worse. We blame you, bridal industrial complex!

For men, there is apparently a "health benefit" to being married, which disappears after divorce. The health benefit, it seems, is a wife who forces you to eat green food and tells you that living off of beer, Hot Pockets, and Cool Ranch Doritos is not a suitable alternative for an adult living as a human being in the universe.

There's only one solution to staying thin forever: don't get married! It's simple, people.

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