The stock market is bananas. Why bother? There are plenty of other places to put your money. Which type of investment is right for you?

  • Bonds: These are like stocks but more boring. Great if you're boring and already have lots of money. Cause making 3% on what you can invest leaves you still poor.
  • Currency trading: Since you're reading Gawker for financial advice, it's clear you're already an expert on the vagaries of the Swiss Franc.
  • Gold: You will eventually lose vast amounts of money. Find out for yourself if you want. No skin off my back.
  • Real estate: People like you "investing" in real estate is how we got into this mess in the first place.
  • Small business: Why not be an "entrepreneur?" Mainly because your business will probably fail, and you'll be wiped out completely.
  • Oil: Will it go up or down? You don't know.
  • Commodities: Corn? Cotton? Pork bellies? You know nothing about these. Investing your money here is essentially a statement by you that says, "I believe I know more about pork bellies than a lifelong hog farmer does." Good luck.
  • Cash: You're no fool! You're no gambler! You take it all out of the market and put it in the bank! Put it in a savings account! Put it under your mattress! Put it in a treasure chest buried in the backyard! Put it in the safest place on earth, where only you can get at it! And then watch its value be completely eroded by inflation. You fool.

All this is just a long way of saying: Don't sell your stocks.

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