It was announced yesterday that director Brett Ratner, figuring he wasn't going to get much closer to an Oscar, will produce next year's Academy Awards ceremony. Strange choice, Academy! But it's been made, so let's make the best of it and give Ratner some suggestions.

For those of you not familiar with Ratner's oeuvre, he's the visionary genius behind the three Rush Hour films, the third X-Men movie, and the third Hannibal Lecter movie. (Well, the third with Anthony Hopkins anyway.) So he's, y'know, a big deal. Doesn't mean he couldn't use some help, though! Here are my suggestions.

  • Hire Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan as hosts. Think of all the "Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouf?" jokes!!
  • Have someone else direct the first two hours of the ceremony really well, then come in and direct the third hour and totally screw it all up.
  • Kill James Marsden in the first twenty minutes of the show.
  • Hire back Peter Coyote to be the show's announcer. Then blow up Peter Coyote for no reason. Everybody loves a random explosion!
  • Somehow incorporate the flaming wheelchair from Red Dragon? Could be a good way for Anne Hathaway to make an entrance.
  • Turn the whole evening into a giant plug for New York Film Academy. No one can get enough of those ads.
  • Just generally make a terrible show because you are Brett Ratner and making terrible things is what you are best at.

Good luck!

[Photo via Getty]