Hollywood's secretest couple is not so secret anymore. Also today: Rachel Zoe is a tremendous idiot, Meatloaf passes out, and Paz de la Huerta lotions up.

  • Gross grownups who are married and who kiss Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig were caught kissing on the lips at a party in Manhattan last night. Weisz is in a movie called The Whistleblower [insert oral sex joke here — heh, "insert"], and there was a screening last night and after the screening there was a party on a roof and Daniel Craig walked out onto the roof and totally hugged and kissed Rachel Weisz and it was their first time seen in public since they got secretly married in June. One "onlooker" told People magazine: "I wanted to be part of that kiss." Oh did you??? Did you want to be PART OF THAT KISS? Why didn't you just run up to them and start kissing them then, random onlooker? Oh, or are you just a fake person that was made up for this stupid article about two forty-somethings kissing at a party? Oh maybe that's it. Anyway, congratulations everyone. [People]
  • Rachel Zoe, a genius who has convinced people that her made-up job is worth paying her millions of dollars to do, passed a child through her loins and now that child is what we call on Earth a "baby" and that "baby" needs a place to sleep and so Rachel Zoe decided, in her infinite non-wisdom, to build an EIGHTY-SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLAR nursery for this baby, a baby who does not even know that it's a human being, let alone a human being who can appreciate a "$1,160 Gucci bomber jacket" or the other "$78,000 worth of designer clothing." I mean. Sorry. Nope. Spread the wealth around, Joe the Plumber. Nope. Personal wealth means absolutely nothing, it should not be protected, if that is how it is spent. Absolutely not. Seriously, Rachel Zoe you are a terrible person and should go lie down in a ditch and hopefully we can forget about your stupid old face forever because $78,000 worth of designer baby clothes is, possibly, the stupidest thing I have ever in my 3,000 years of existence (I'm magic and an alien) heard of. You do not deserve any of your money and someone will be coming to your house to collect it and give it to needy children and needy adults and just people who will not spend it like an idiot and ALSO go on ABC News and do a VIDEO TOUR of how stupid and awful they are. Which you did, you festering old corpse of a person. [Us]
  • Phew! Sorry about that. Let's focus on something happy. Oh, here's an item. Nicky Hilton is alone and will die alone. Great! That brings a smile to the face. Yeah, she just broke up with her boyfriend, David Katzenberg, son of Jeffery Katzenberg. So that's that. This is what they looked like as a couple. MmHm. Don't you just want to invite them to your dinner party, so they can boredly look at their cellphones and sneak off to the bathroom to do cocaine and drawl on endlessly with some story about the valet guy at Hyde? They just look like such fun! But now they're broken up and Nicky Hilton will be an old maid, just like us, and hey, Nicky, there's room for one more here on this bus to the singles' home. Join us, won't you? [P6]
  • Remember Clark Gable? I mean, if ever there was a movie star, it was Clark Gable. He romanced all of Hollywood's most beautiful starlets, he manned a gun during the war, he said "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." He was Clark Gable! He was born in 1901 so he'd be 110 years old if he were alive right now. He was a true force of nature. So I wonder, then, what he would think about this piece of news. This piece of news that his grandson has been arrested for pointing a laser at a helicopter. Yes, a laser. A laserbeam. Clark Gable's grandson has somehow gotten a hold of a laserbeam and is menacing police helicopters with it. "My grandson is doing WHAT??? The hell are you talking about, laserbeams???" - Clark Gable right now in his coffin. If you'd like to know more about this laserbeam-wielding danger, here is an informative video. So that's that. Clark Gable III, ladies and gentlemen. [TMZ]
  • Sad old man Hugh Hefner has dispatched some of his sad abuse victims to defend him. Apparently a few Playboy bunnies have been trying to dispel the rumors that he can only last for two bone-chilling seconds in the sack. One abuse victim called this terrible slander "sad" while an employee of Playboy TV, which is a totally real thing that you can be an employee of, said this: "Hef is a lover. I think they definitely had sex more than that one time and it wasn't two minutes. Hef definitely has a sex life." Hey, lady? You are talking to a magazine about the sex life of an 85-year-old man who wears a captain's hat because he thinks he's on a steamboat half the time. He wears slippers like regular people wear shoes. And you are talking to a magazine about how he puts his penis inside ladies' vaginas. That's what you're talking about. You're talking about Hugh Hefner's penis, an 85-year-old penis, being inserted into a 22-year-old abuse victim's shellacked vagina. Think about that. I want you to think about that, Playboy TV employee, and then I want you to say nothing else, only wordlessly take off your name tag, walk out of the office, and never look back. Please do that, for me. Do it for Clark Gable. [People]
  • Meatloaf, as in the person named Meatloaf and not the delicious dinner food, fainted on stage during a concert in Pittsburgh. He then said this of the event: "I fucking fainted. I have asthma … I can't breathe … and then … oh wait, I forgot … I got poked by a pin and bled half to death … and then I got slapped in the face and my tooth is loose." ... !!!! ??? Yes. That's a great quote! I like that quote. Hey Bartlett, put that in your books. Kids in high school will start term papers by saying "Legendary dinner food Meatloaf once said, 'I got slapped in the face and my tooth is loose.'..." They will have gotten one thing wrong, but the quote is just right. Feel better, Meatloaf. [Radar]
  • Whoa. Gossip is just full of good quotes today! So Paz de la Huerta, a cock-a-roach that an old witch made human, had to go to court because she killed someone or something, and after passing through the metal detectors, she got out lotion and started lotioning her legs. And then someone who works at the courthouse said this: "We were riveted. She did both legs all the way up to the thighs. It was lovely. Very nice lotioning!" Yup. Absolutely. I bet that Manhattan Criminal Court employees have seen lots of lotionings, so they really know what are very nice lotionings and what aren't. And this was a nice once. It was riveting, even! Good lotioning, Paz. Try not to murder-slap anyone or whatever you did anymore, but keep on keepin' on with the lotioning. [P6]
  • Denis O'Hare from, yes, True Blood, but also like Take Me Out and other amazing theater work, has married his partner Hugo Redwood. So that's great! Good for them. Though, it's weird that someone involved with True Blood is a gay person? That's such a butch show, isn't it? So not gay at all. (Everyone who has anything to do with that show is gay.) [Us]
  • Real Housewife of New York Ramona Singer is not an alcoholic. Guys, she's not. She said so here in a video that she does not have a drinking problem just because she has a little blood in her Pinot Grigio system. Not that alcoholism is anything to make light of, it's a serious thing that should be dealt with by serious people, but hahaha Ramona is an old weird drunk alien who drinks her delicious white sugar-wine like it's going out of style and if that's a problem then call me Polly Problem because I like that problem. [Us]

[Photo via Splash]