Fertile China! Psychic dogs! Killer papaya! ADHD safety! Internet addiction! Breastfeeding asthma! Shrinking brains! Love psychology! And uncalled-for lizard posing! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—out of sheer desperation!

  • China wants its people to be more fertile now! Okay first let people have two babies, second stop wearing those tight bicycle shorts, then see how it goes from there.
  • Dogs can read your mind. "You are disgusting," think dogs.
  • Ahhhhh papayas have salmonella all over them! You're gonna get it, I just have a feeling.
  • "Crossing the Street May Be Riskier for ADHD Kids." I'm not laughing, I mean I'm trying not to laugh but I just get this picture in my head of some hyper kid carefully looking both ways an then gingerly stepping into the street and then a semi truck just hits him and he goes flying through the air like a cartoon and Ritalin and shit is falling out of his pocket as he's flying through the air. He was okay though.
  • So it looks like quitting the internet is just as hard as quitting a real addiction like smoking or drugs. I think the easiest way to do it is just to lock yourself in a room without the internet, but with a sex-crazed sultry underwear model, and her body is beautiful but her head looks like Medusa. But only if you're into Medusa.
  • Babies who breastfeed have a lower risk of asthma. Uh yeah, and babies who hop around on one foot have a lower risk of shingles or whatever, probably. What's the real story here???
  • For fucks sake, humans are the only animals whose brains shrink as we get older. It's one of those times that what can you say but "darn it?"
  • When you first fall in love with someone, you are completely psychologically delusional about how great they are. Scientists have been doing a little research on that, and now they say: never, ever stop being delusional. Do not stop, ever. Maintain your positive delusions at all costs. Do not ask questions. Do not puncture any facades. Your happiness in love is completely dependent upon your ability to fool yourself into thinking everything is great. Do you want to get ice cream some time?
  • This dude really had to pose next to a lizard, right? I mean, dude.

[Photo via Shutterstock]