In a hard-hitting exposé of Michele Bachmann's high school cheer squad, the always politically relevant National Enquirer reveals that, if America were a cheerocracy, she would never be president:

"Michele didn't give a 100 percent commit­ment to cheerleading," Michelle Lindgren DeMarais, leader of the cheering squad at Anoka High School in Minnesota, told The ENQUIRER. "She had her own agenda."

When DeMarais complained to the squad's sponsor, Bachmann was called in behind closed doors and reprimanded, she said.

Someone alert Donald Trump: We need a full investigation into Michele Bachmann's cheer squad record. Was she a "terrible, terrible" cheerleader? Why won't Michele Bachmann release her cheer squad records? What is she trying to hide?

The Enquirer also reveals that, as a teenage Democrat, Michele's "hair went down to at least her waist and she called herself 'Mickey.'" It's over, Michele. American was OK with your conspiracy theories and strident homophobia, but this, this is too much. [National Enquirer, image via Getty]