Matt Damon speaks for Brangelina. Brangelina feed their children crickets. Chris Brown parks in a handicap spot. Leo's mother advises against Blake Lively. Timberlake pulls a diva move. Wednesday gossip fights for its rights.

  • Matt Damon on the plight of Brangelina: "I have friends who are like prisoners. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for instance. They can't just go someplace. If they go for a walk, it turns into an international incident." And so Brangelina held each other and wept, and their tears were diamonds, and the diamonds piled up all around them, forming a crystalline wall. And Brangelina was alone inside of it, trapped in a prison of their own fabulousness. And then six little diamonds trembled and fell from the wall, and six little children climbed out. "Mommy, don't cry, we're right here!" And they were happy again, for they realized they had everything they needed: love, family, and a shit ton of diamonds. Damon continues, "I'm really lucky, because I have the best of both worlds. I do the work that I love and need, but don't need paramilitary troops to protect me when I walk out my front door." But his house of diamonds is rather small. [People, images via Getty]
  • Angelina describes Pax and Maddox's Cambodian cricket-eating spree: "I wanted them not to be turned off by something that was of their culture. They ate them like Doritos, and they wouldn't stop. They brought to-go boxes home and I had to actually ban the cricket eating at a certain point because I was afraid they were going to get sick from too many. They're good. They're like potato chips." [Us]

J. Lo will earn $1 million to perform an a Ukranian billionaire's daughter's wedding, even though she is still "devastated" by her own failed marriage. Alone in the prison of shimmering hryvnias, the official currency of the Ukraine! [Us]

  • Speaking of J. Lo, here's a new rumor on why she's divorcing: "Marc Anthony tried to call the shots over the fashion diva's clothes… objected to a pic that he found 'too sexy and unbecoming for a 40-year-old mother of two.'" [Us]
  • Unless J. Lo dumped Marc Anthony for cheating on her, and on the advice of Ben Affleck! At least, that's what the cover of Us says. [Us]
  • Blake Lively met Leonard DiCaprio's mom and blew it. "She tried hard to impress Leo's mum when they met but Irmelin couldn't stand her. She told Leo that Blake was far too up herself for him… all she did was talk about Gossip Girl and how she's a Chanel model." This is too farcical a caricature to be true, but it's nice to imagine that the things we associate with various celebrities are also the things they associate with themselves. [Now, Celebitchy]
  • Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy for using a model who looks like her. Her surgeon already trademarked that face, OK? [TMZ]
  • Britney Spears "used drugs, breaks wind, and picks her nose 'unapologetically.'" [Radar]
  • Selena Gomez will spend her 19th birthday working. I didn't realize indentured Disney servitude lasted beyond the eighteenth year. [E!]

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo must really be cashing in on their wedding, because we get a new press release about it everyday. Today's edition is about their rings. Nick's has diamonds, too. [People]

  • Justin Timberlake wanted to ride an elevator, so a team of security guards "remove[d] three female guests from an elevator" citing "maintenance issues," and then Justin rode up by himself. At the top was Santa Angelina in a shimmering habit, surrounded by tear-shaped diamonds. "Alone, so alone." [Perez Hilton]
  • Hugh Hefner on getting left at the altar: "missed a bullet." Apparently it started falling apart when he asked Crystal to sign a prenup. They never worked one out. [ET, TMZ]
  • Maya Rudolph gave birth to her child. It's a boy. [People]
  • Jenna Fischer announced the gender of her unborn child. Boy. [People]