Halle Berry was trapped in her house by a stalker. William and Kate have left the country. Anthony Weiner flew to Miami to reconcile with his wife. Gwyneth Paltrow went on vacation to rub her bikini body in your face. Monday's gossip doesn't know if it's coming or going.

  • Sure, you might have woken up in a pool of your own vomit without your wallet and in the possession of someone else's phone on Sunday morning (just who is this Marci anyway?), but at least your weekend wasn't as bad as Halle Berry's. On Saturday, someone jumped over the security wall at her Hollywood home and set off the alarm in the house, triggering a call to the police. On Sunday, Halle was at her kitchen window and saw a strange man standing right outside it holding a book. Holy shit! That is scary. Naturally the police were called again and a helicopter circled the neighborhood looking for him and tons of cops were dispatched to track him down on the street, all to no avail. While everyone is operating under the assumption that he's a crazy stalker, he might also just be like a paparazzi photographer or something. My vote is on overzealous Scientology missionary. [TMZ]
  • No matter what In Style says, the Middletons, of the William and Kate variety, are the hottest accessory in Hollywood right now. They were in L.A. this weekend and were besieged by all sorts of famous people at a gala on Saturday night. They met Jennifer Lopez and Reese Witherspoon. They met Tom Hanks and Barbra Streisand. They even learned about social media from Mark Cuban and Bridesmaids director Paul Feig (look for @FutureQueenK any day now). And they met scuzzy director Brett Ratner, too. Eww. He even took a picture with the pair and captioned it with "The Dutchess and a Jewish Prince." Head shake. Eye roll. That was the most disgusting thing that happened to them in L.A. and that includes flying on a commercial flight home. Please don't say they flew coach. [NYDN, P6, Radar Online]
  • Anthony Weiner had dinner with his estranged wife Huma (and their unborn child) while in Miami this weekend. It was a celebration of their one-year wedding anniversary. Supposedly they were laughing and chatting and otherwise enjoying each other's company. Mr. Weiner kept his cell phone, his Twitter account, and other things in his pocket through the entire meal. [P6]
  • The world's most famous underwear models, David Beckham and the Spice Girl formerly known as Posh, named their baby girl "Harper Seven," which sounds like a really classy brand of scotch. Actually it's just an old name Vicki loves plus her lucky number. As far as celebrity baby names go, that's not too shabby. [People]
  • To get even with everyone who has done her wrong, Anna Wintour is supposedly shopping around a memoir, Behind the Bob: How One Woman Makes the Entire Fashion Industry Shiver at Her Very Name. While you know I would be the first one in line for a copy, I'm not sure how exciting it would be. After all, how do you translate an icy stare into words? [P6]
  • Just when you thought you couldn't hate GOOPy GOOPster Gwyneth Paltrow more, this is what she looks like in her bikini. Bitch. [People]
  • Just when you thought you couldn't hate annoying The Voice judge Adam Levine (and you thought I was going to say Blake Shelton!) more, here is what he looks like in his bikini. Asshole. [TMZ]
  • The article with the headline "Joe Jonas Has Balls Pelted at Face" is not nearly as interesting as I was hoping it would be. [NYDN]

[Images via INF]