Vanity Fair put tween masturbatorium fodder Justin Bieber on its February cover, and look what happened: it was the worst-selling issue in 12 years. What went wrong?

I mean, it couldn't have been the photo shoot. Both his hair and lips were pictured in every shot! It couldn't have been the obligatory celebrity profile. It was perfectly respectable, by obligatory celebrity profile standards! I wonder if... no, it's crazy, it's just... could it be the fact that the Venn diagram of "Justin Bieber fans" and "The types of people who buy Vanity Fair" is a picture of two separate circles that don't overlap at any point? I guess we'll never know.

The point is, everything Justin Bieber touches turns to poop.