An employee from a "top six publisher" forwarded us a grotesque work of inadvertent humor: Always Judge a Book by Its Cover, a proposed memoir by noxious narcissist and career slut-shamer Nik Richie, founder of Updated.

Here's how the proposal begins:

Nik Richie is this decade's Lenny Bruce. In an era rife with political correctness and an American culture weakened by the false philosophy that teaches the morbidly obese to embrace their 'inner beauty,' Nik has been there to say "Stop!"

What courage, telling the most widely ridiculed people in society that they are hideous. Realizing that "nothing is more entertaining than genuine human humiliation," Richie sets out to create "a website that mercilessly skewered" the "silicon [sic] laden bottle blondes" of Scottsdale. And so begins his noble crusade to destroy "evil women" (like this random schoolteacher) before they "crush the lives of an innocent bro."

Promising passages include Chapter 11, which recounts Nik's much-ridiculed bromance with Rep. Ben Quayle, and Chapter 12, in which Nik goes to Las Vegas and lives "every man's fantasy," which apparently consists of sexually aggressive suicidal females who smell like pee and resemble animals:

I wanted sex as she grabbed my cock, but not with her. Maybe it was because she smelled like piss from her unwashed spray tan or because I smelled like Jack and wanted to brush my teeth first. Either way I said NO! She pushed me onto my hotel room bed which smelled like sex from three hours ago (different girl, different situation). I told her to leave and look at the clock, fuck, it's 5am. She started to cry screaming at me, begging like a dog in heat. I grabbed her wrist and forced her to the door, she tried to swing at me in true Dallas fashion, I think she thought it would turn me on. She opened the balcony doors telling me that she is going to jump and kill herself if I didn't fuck her. I told her to jump...

But without a doubt, my favorite chapter is 15, in which Nik Richie proclaims himself a visionary and martyr:

Chapter 15: The Fight Of Misunderstood
Nik has now reached the point where he has to consider his legacy. While he should be known as a brilliant entrepreneur and a dashing playboy, he is maligned as a villain and a cyber-bully. Mark Zuckerberg gets immortalized in THTE [sic] SOCIAL NETWORK, while Nik watches another hit piece air on ABC's 20/20. [Ed: video here] He views himself as a brand, but unfortunately the world views him as a pig. Nik Richie battled Dr. Phil on his television show, trying to explain that what he does is a business. [Ed: video here] Dr. Phil lashed out at Nik and called him a cyber bully making money off other people's garbage. Despite the constant negative press, Nik continues to his valiant fight for his First Amendment rights and his sincere belief that The Dirty can save lives. The man is constantly misunderstood.

Nik Richie should be taken to a laboratory and studied. How can a man like this exist? He's like a voltron composed of all the worst things about the internet, plus every bad ex-boyfriend in America, tied together with used herpes condoms and a strand of broken souls. If only this were a fictional story by Bret Easton Ellis, instead of a memoir by a man with minimal self-awareness! As is, this proposal is the literary equivalent of stomach bile sneaking up your throat right before puke.

Reached for comment, Nik's agent James McGinniss said, "Yes, we are shopping the book—having a great time working with Nik, and we're looking forward to setting the record straight. His story is phenomenal."

Update: Nik's official comment: "I hope they study my novel in high school class rooms across America when I pass. My honesty is unparalleled and I truly believe my thoughts will shift society."

[Photo of Richie and wife Shayne Lamas, referred to as "Shayne Llamas" in the book proposal, top, via Getty Images. Photo, bottom, via WENN]
Previously: Arizona at War: Who Is the Real Party King of Scottsdale?
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