Six Things That Should Be Banned From Bars Forever
Bars exist for people to hang out with their friends, watch the game, unwind, and maybe play a game of pool or pick up a bit of strange for the evening. What bars are not for are all your silly games that are not only annoying, but dangerous. People are getting sued!
Here are a few things that should be banned from every tavern and ale house in the whole damn world.
Yesterday a Staten Island judge gave a man permission to sue a bar because he was injured there in 2007. The problem is, he was hurt after he got into an argument with someone over the rules of Beer Pong. Yes, seriously. Anyone who lives in a house without three Greek letters next to the door should not be playing Beer Pong. Or Flip Cup or Kings or Quarters or any other game. You wanna get fucked up? You are a grown up, just go get fucked up. You don't need some silly game to get you there. And if you really need to, save the rounds of Shoulders or I Never for the next rager at your house.
The New York establishment Johnny Utah's is getting sued (yet again) after a patron was injured riding the mechanical bull. Why, oh why, would anyone ride a mechanical bull in public? Sure, it's an easy way to see girls writhe, but if that's what you want, just go to a strip club and see the whole damn thing. And if you're a girl trying to show off, or a guy trying to prove you're tough, this isn't the way to do it. Both people suing this place are dudes. Yeah, we're sure the ladies were real impressed when you hobbled off to the hospital, jackass.
It's gross, unsanitary, and totally ridiculous. What is this, spring break in Dayton Beach circa 1997? You shouldn't be slurping liquor off of anyone's body, no matter how hot he or she is. In fact, if you have ever done a body shot at a bar in any context whatsoever, please don't ever talk to me again.
This is usually something that isn't sanctioned by the bar, but they can't control everything. People should know better than to stand up on a bench, table, chair, or other semi-rickety structure and dance, dance, dance. If you think this is OK, then you are probably so drunk that you will fall over and hurt yourself and others. You are also probably wearing a dress that's so short that when you fall, everyone will see your down-under parts. So just stop. You are not Paris Hilton. So get the fuck down.
The thing about hot tubs is that they're special and fun and hard to come by and whenever you get in one, you probably get laid. If you take the specialness out of the hot tub and put it in public, it's not going to get everyone laid, it's just going to make everything messy. While seeing pretty, half-naked people bathing in frothy water might seem nice, just think for a second about the germ-ridden broth that all these little noodles are brining themselves in. Gross. And then there is water everywhere and the whole place smells like chlorine and wet towels. Those are all serious wood-kills.
I know I'm going out on a limb here, but I hate karaoke. I get that there are tons of people who love it, and that's fine, that's what karaoke bars are for. I'm talking about when it's at a normal bar on a Tuesday and all of the sudden it's "Karaoke Night" and you either have to listen to a bunch of screeching people do their awful rendition of "Firework" or you have to leave. Let's just relegate the American Idol audition special come to life at specialized karaoke venues, shall we? The rest of us want to play the juke box.