Kim Kardashian tries to prove her ass is real. Jerry Lewis is hospitalized. Lauren Conrad and her boyfriend break up. Saturday's gossip is not romantically involved with Mel Gibson, no matter what anyone else says.

  • It's long been whispered that Kim Kardashian's ass (one of the horcruxes in which Voldemort stored his soul) is nothing more than a hoax, prepared in a smoke-filled room somewhere in Arlington; an illusion, executed with precision by shadowy forces unseen by the average citizen; a pair of—in the immortal words of MediaTakeOut—"fake cakes." Kardashian denies this, and, this week, (allegedly) had her butt x-rayed. "She's all natural, baby!" her sister Khloe crowed. But MediaTakeOut was unimpressed: "The x-ray... shows a foreign substance embedded in her cakes." Gossip Cop swiftly came to the rescue of Kardashian: "Um… actually, that "foreign object" is her tailbone." The only way to settle this is with an Oliver Stone movie starring Tommy Lee Jones as Kim, Joe Pesci as Khloe, and Kevin Costner as The Gossip Cop [Celebuzz; MTO; Gossip Cop]
  • Lauren Conrad and her boyfriend Kyle Howard broke up after three years of being sort of famous. The split was "amicable." Lauren is guest-blogging for Forbes, for some reason. [NYDN]
  • Our old friend Lindsay Lohan had a party on her roof to celebrate not going to back to jail. [TMZ]
  • Jerry Lewis canceled a benefit show in Australia, and was hospitalized in Sydney. It's unclear what specifically is ailing him, but Lewis has been battling pulmonary fibrosis, heart issues, and a "debilitating back condition." [NYDN]
  • "Gothic model" Stella Mouzi is not dating Mel Gibson, possibly because when you date Mel Gibson, he threatens you over the phone with all kinds of weird racist shit. (You know who else wasn't dating Mouzi? Hitler. See the connection?) [People]
  • Maverick leftist Paris Hilton is doing all sorts of social stuff this week. I guess she went to a Radio Shack? Or something? [NYP]