A new study shows that Americans work 8.5 hours a day. The eight-hour work day is a fiction!

Fuck that. What's wrong with you, Americans? Has organized labor achieved nothing for us? Weekends and benefits and safe workplaces are nice and all, but what's the point if we're spending one second over the traditional eight hours in a dreary office, or a dreary construction site, or a dreary restaurant, or a dreary shop, or any other dreary place of "work," which is the opposite of fun?

If we all work together, we can get the average American work day back down to the eight hour mark—or even, with conscientious effort, to 7.5. But it all depends on you doing your part.

  • Do not work during lunch.
  • Do not work before it's time to start working.
  • Do not work overtime without being paid for it.
  • Do not "pull an all-nighter." You're not writing a term paper, for god's sake.
  • Do not always be "multi-tasking." Finish one task. Then look at the clock. Is it time to go? Then go.
  • Did you know that naps increase productivity? Mmm hmm.
  • Did you know that productivity decreases when you get all tired and shit, late in the day? Yep.
  • What has that company ever done for you, really?
  • Go home already.

[Photo via Shutterstock]