Columbia University: where you can almost taste the class conflict lapping at the edge of campus. According to a credulity-straining (fictional?) report in The Morningside Post, Columbia student Jane Watkins was hurrying up 114th on her way to class when she was rudely mugged. By very polite muggers!

"They started to run away with my bag but I screamed and begged them to let me have my Statistics homework," Ms. Watkins reported. "I told them they could have my wallet, my iPhone, anything- just not the homework."

In a moment of charity, one of the muggers apparently reached into Ms. Watkins' purse and retrieved her homework assignment, laying it neatly on the sidewalk next to where the incident occurred.

And then when she arrived to class—hobbled, shaken, and two minutes late—the professor reportedly refused to accept the homework, due to her lateness. The asshole professor part is much easier to believe than the polite muggers part. Regardless of the truth of the matter, the lesson is clear: if she'd stayed within the fortress-like confines of her private security-patrolled Ivy League campus rather than setting foot on a public thoroughfare infested with race-card-playing ruffians, this never would have happened. Lesson learned.

UPDATE: Yea, this is definitely satire. Columbia students are still advised never to leave campus.

[The Morningside Post, photo via Wikipedia]