Halle Berry's custody battle gets ugly. Jennifer Aniston could have been an SNL cast member. Whoopi Goldberg on shitting the bed. Lindsay Lohan didn't steal that necklace, she "borrowed" it. Thursday gossip has feminine wiles.

Halle Berry's custody battle has erupted into all-out ugliness. First, a Mel Gibson moment: Gabriel Aubry apparently has "numerous emails, text messages and voicemails" that document "her angry and jealous rages," including an email that says "You were only good for one thing… Thanks for the donation" and a voice message where Halle goes apeshit over "some pictures came out of him at a Lakers game with a girl" post-breakup. And the girl was Kim Kardashian! Apparently Halle "couldn't care less" who Gabriel dates, she's just worried about reality TV cameras. More worrisome: Gabriel reportedly called Halle the N-word, "fucking bitch," and other swears. He's a "borderline racist" according to yet another ex-girlfriend. (Guy has troubled relationships with his exes, huh?) Apparently Halle is telling people that baby Nahla cries hysterical and resists visits to her father, and has "proof" that Gabriel puts their child in "immediate harm's way." [Radar, Radar, People, TMZ, TMZ, TMZ, TMZ, images via Getty]

  • Jennifer Aniston claims she turned down Saturday Night Live to be on Friends. Really? How has this never come up before? [E!]
  • Lindsay Lohan says the shoplifted necklace she wore in public was merely "borrowed," and the whole fiasco is her stylist's fault. The new mystery is who tipped Lindsay off to the pending search warrant, so she could send her stylist to return the necklace to the LAPD? Apparently TMZ isn't the only corpus with police informants. [TMZ, TMZ]
  • After a year of marriage, Terence Howard's wife has filed for divorce. Bummer. [Radar]
  • Charlie Sheen to E!: The rumors are "all crap. Believe nothing. I will never speak about any of this as long as I'm alive." Ominous? "BTW, two wars are in an endless state of sorrow. Egypt about burned to the ground, and all you people care about is my bullshit?… Shame, shame, shame." Charming, but why is Charlie still replying to every text message he gets from every tabloid? The fact that this is even happening (that everyone had his personal cellphone number in the first place!) makes me think rehab isn't working. [E!]
  • Yesterday on The View Whoopi Goldberg discussed her time as a Hollywood junkie: "I was a functioning drug addict, I showed up for work because I knew a lot of people would be out of work and I wouldn't get a check that I needed to buy my drugs. I ended ups itting on a bed for three or four days scared there was something under the bed. I wet the bed, I pooped the bed… I was so scared." [EW]
  • Slash's wife got into a girlfight at an Ozzy Osbourne concert. Mrs. Slash stands accusing of kicking a woman in the stomach as punishment for talking to her man. [TMZ]
  • Craig Ferguson's wife had a baby boy. Mazel tov! [People]
  • Elton John told Rolling Stone that Billy Joel needs rehab, "tough love," and can't write music anymore out of "either fear or laziness." Billy Joel's response: "Elton is just being Elton." [RS, AH]