Bieber-Gomez is the new Swift-Gyllenhaal. Katie Holmes celebrates her birthday with a passionless date with Tom Cruise. Charles Barkley laughs at Brett Favre's penis. Monday gossip is for lovers.

  • Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez spent the weekend "teasing and laughing and skipping around" Miami together, which would be obnoxious if it weren't so damn cute. "At one point Justin had his arm around Selena." Justena (Biebez?) is even walking in step this picture, which is Body Language for "Fuck yeah, I wanna bone her." Nonetheless, Selena still claims they're "just friends": "I feel like a big sister now, 'cause I want to protect him." Uh oh, the "like a sibling" kiss of death. Unlike other chastely giggling celebrity couples (Swyllenhaal) tee-hee flirtation and nuh-uh denials are at least age-appropriate for these two. [People, Us, image via Splash]
  • Unless, of course, Bielebena is another Disney-manufactured sexless wonder a la Zefudgens? So passionless, that Vanessa Hudgens can't muster anything to say about Zac Efron, the ex she broke up with on her 22nd birthday, other than "We're good." Zefron was not present at Vanessa's liberation birthday party, where she danced atop a VIP-room sofa in short, tight, shiny silver dress. [People]
  • Lindsay Lohan's stalker has escalated to the point of FBI involvement. Apparently the stalker—whom some believe to be Britney Spears' ex Sam Lutfi—is harassing mother Dina and brother Michael Jr., the latter of which is the sole sane Lohan, on account of him being the only one not exposed to reality television or show business. His name is a major albatross, though. [TMZ]
  • Katie Holmes celebrated her 32nd birthday by going out to a casual dinner with Tom Cruise. Obviously, this relationship is a sham. When Tom really loves you, he throws you a party at a go-kart dome in Dubai. [People]
  • I know you were worried, so here's some good news: After a weekend stranded in South Africa because Europe's blizzards blew their flight off course, Kim and Khloe Kardashian are now "home sweet home." Phew. [@KimKardashian]
  • Madonna offspring Lourdes Leon would like to dye her hair "royal blue… not a streak, like my entire head." The Angst of Lola is my favorite tween chronicle, right after The Coif of Willow and The Bitch, Please Faces of Zahara. Technically Zahara isn't a tween yet, but she strikes me as advanced for her age. [People]
  • Charles Barkley on Brett Favre's penis: "My biggest problem with the whole Brett Favre thing is, if you're going to send a woman a picture of your junk, it should be huge. You can't send small junk to a woman and expect anything. Seriously, you have to be like Ron Jeremy or some of those other porn stars. If you send a woman a picture of your junk, it should be humongous, it shouldn't be small. That's one of the Ten Commandments." Kanye West concurs. [P6]
  • Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez went to Cabo San Lucas with A-Rod's daughters, which means they're getting serious! Cam cavorted in her bikini and got all smiley and maternal with the Rodlettes. (Can we call A-Rod's daughters that? Yes, I think we can.) No word on how baby mama Cynthia Rodriguez is doing, but since she divorced A-Rod over "emotional abandonment" and "extramarital affairs," seeing pictures of gorgeous movie stars snuggling her daughters on the covers of magazines probably makes her want to stab herself in the eye. At least, that's how I'd deal with it. [DailyMail, INFDaily]