Authorities have confirmed that all four bodies found on a Long Island beach over the weekend are female, meaning that, yes, there's a good chance we're looking at the work of a serial killer.

Obviously, no one knows for sure yet. But The New York Times is so excited by the prospect that its readers get a breakdown of a hypothetical serial killer investigation, just, you know, in case. ("Some killers carve their initials into a victim's skin. Others might take a piece of the body, say an ear or finger, as a macabre trophy." Thanks, Times! This is way better than "The Neediest Cases"!)

The New York Post and The New York Daily News, meanwhile, are less excited about the prospect of our very own backyard psycho and more interested in the ongoing search for missing prostitute Shannan Gilbert. (Though, no doubt, both have teams of editors already hard at work attempting to coin a snappy nickname for our hypothetical serial murderer friend.) As it turns out, none of the four bodies are likely to be Gilbert's, despite their all being found near where she disappeared; but police know who her last john was, and the News is all over his neighbors' reactions:

"That guy always gave me the creeps," the neighbor said.

"One night about two months ago, he parked a U-Haul van on the side of the house. It was the strangest thing," the neighbor added.

"He and another man were packing the truck up in the dark. They moved real fast. It took about fifteen minutes. They didn't turn any lights on except one little light. That was the last time I saw him."

The Post has the bizarre story of the night of Gilbert's disappearance:

Gustav Colletti, 75, a neighbor of the john in an exclusive part of Oak Beach, said a girl, who looked like Gilbert, banged on his door one May morning at 5 a.m.

"She was yelling and screaming and banging on my door. She was screaming, 'Help me! Help!'" I opened the door and she jumped into the house," he recalled in an interview today with The Post.

Colletti said, "When I said, 'I'm calling the police.' She opened the door and took off and ran into the weeds. Moments later, a dark Chevy Suburban and a male Asian told him; 'We're having a party and the girl got upset and ran away.'"

Colletti said when he told the man he had called police, the man said, "You shouldn't have done that."

[NYT; NYDN; NYP; image via AP]