Why do they keep insisting on torturing us so? Also today: Matthew Perry vs. Courteney Cox!, Topher Grace gets a costar, and Eliza Dushku has disappointed millions. (Well, maybe not millions.)

Look out, guys. Here comes your new favorite movie. I'll bet you already know what it is, that you can somehow strangely feel it in your soul and blood and bones. You can feel the glee and mania building up in you, can't you? Oh god, oh gosh, oh Ganesha you are so excited for Adam Sandler and Kevin James in Valet Guys. Yup! Ahahaha! Isn't that great? Adam Sandler and Kevin James ARE Valet Guys. You know what the funny thing about that is? When people in Hollywood are always making valet jokes like "Ha ha, you know, the valet guys, and the funny things pertaining to them," as if anyone else has any clue what they're talking about. "Val... who? What? I park my own car, like an adult." I know lots of people in LA use valet, but that's about it. HOLLYWEIRD IS OUT OF TOUCH, IT'S THE GAYS. And Adam Sandler and Kevin James. Good gravy, let's not have any more movies from them, huh? [Deadline]

Lucy Punch, the up-and-coming actress from various things that I don't feel like looking up (I'm very good at my job), has been cast in the comedy The Giant Mechanical Man, about Jenna Fischer being torn between a street performer and a motivational speaker played by Topher Grace. So, HYPOTHETICALLY I may have sat next to the Toph at a very crowded brunch spot on Sunday and HYPOTHETICALLY he might have been talking about things in such a way that HYPOTHETICALLY made him seem a little... hilarious. Let's just say hilarious, because the other options aren't as kind. Topher Grace is, based on brunch, hilarious. But he seems very busy! So good for him. [THR]

Uh oh. When you were walking around earlier today did you see a bunch of nerds lying keening on the sidewalk, tearing at their hair, rending their clothing, gouging out their eyes with inhalers and rolled-up pages of The Sandman? Well, it's because one of their main boner beauties, Eliza Dushku, has dropped out of Bird Dog, the TNT pilot she was set to star in. O Gods! Why have you cursed this house so!! Proud Athena! Restore light unto us! Who knows why Dushku dropped out, but she's gonna dushku what she gonna dush-do, y'know? Until we figure out what happeend, why don't you you print this out and go give it to a dying nerd near you. It'll bring him right back! [EW]

ABC is shoring up their midseason business and seems to be focusing their big guns on their power-comedy Wednesday. The Middle (cute show w/ Patricia Heaton), Cougar Town (surprisingly charming show with Busy Phillips), and Modern Family (you all know what this is), will all continue to run in basically the same slots, as will Better With You, an unholy pile of dreck that should be chopped up into pieces, then burned, then thrown into the ocean in separate locked safes, then the ground around the studio where it was filmed should be salted so nothing else can grow there again. So yeah, that's all staying the same. Well, Cougar Town's taking a slight break to make room for Mr. Sunshine, Matthew Perry's new show. Which, awkwwwwarrrrd. "Hey Friend." "Hey Friend..." "I'm taking your slot." "Oh..." Yikes! ABC is also debuting Off the Map, a show about blah blah blah who cares Matt Saracen's in it and that's all that matters ever. Take me to Dillon, Matty boy! [THR]

I don't even know how to talk about this one. Basically True Blood has so many goddamn new characters all the time it's impossible to keep track. I heard that one time True Blood walked into the characters store in LA and the sales clerk was like "Uh, Mr. True Blood, I think you've maybe had enough," and True Blood threw a glass against the wall and said "Dammit, I'll tell you when I've had enough!" That's just what I've heard. [Deadline]

One of the most promising debuts of the season is The Sing-Off, a singing competition show hosted by Nick Lachey. So that's— .... .... Oh, hi, ha, sorry about that, I'm back. I just had to go check the calendar to make sure it was still 2004. It is, so... great! [Variety]