On Sunday, The New York Times took it upon itself to introduce us all to five "night life scenemakers" who are "carving out new party spaces in the city's ever-gentrifying neighborhoods." But which one is the coolest?

I consider myself something of a nightlife expert, what with all of the night blogging I do. But I don't know everything! Did you know, for example, that there are viable nightlife options in Chinatown? Or that some DJs actually go all the way out to Bushwick?? Or that there are clubs in the Meatpacking District? Clubs! In the Meatpacking District! In 2010! Who ever heard of such a thing?

I learned all of this—and more!—in Sunday's Times article on "The New Club Kids," all of whom seem like fascinating, über-cool people, what with their blue jeans and black jeans and other kinds of jeans and highly-developed senses of self-awareness. But the important question is, obviously: Which one of these "new club kids" is the coolest? Let's assign arbitrary scores to various personal quirks, and decide!

MIA MORETTI ("It Girl" D.J.)

Is a female DJ: +3 points... in 2001.
From California: -10 points
DJs with an electric violinist: Uh
Once wore a "hooded floor-length Jean Paul Gaultier lace-up dress covered in metal grommets": Actual cool people just walk around naked
Plays Tina Turner out: "What's Love Got to Do With It," +5; "Private Dancer," +250
Lives in the East Village: *Rolls eyes*

FINAL SCORE: Disqualified for disliking Ace of Base

TOM JACKSON and ABI BENITEZ (Gayletter.com's Gay Diarists)

Gay: +12
Australian: Can't remember if this is cool right now
The phrase "alterna-gay culture": Deep sigh
Have day jobs: Extra cred points
Apartment filled with cactuses: +16
Favorite drink is beer or wine: Are there even other drinks

FINAL SCORE: Disqualified for Ryan McGinley name-drop

MATT ABRAMCYK (Alt Impresario)

Name is difficult to pronounce: +2
Co-founded the Beatrice Inn: What do you want, a medal
Former hedge-fund analyst: -200
Club hops "with Williamsburg artist types in knit caps sipping pilsners and dancing to vintage disco": -A zillion
"I used to wear fedoras a lot": +15 for admitting it
Hangs out with dude from Interpol: Loved that one song

FINAL SCORE: Disqualified for "TriBeCa loft with reclaimed marble walls and antiques"

WILLIAM ETUNDI (Warehouse Provocateur)

"Illegal warehouse parties in Brooklyn": Nahhh
"Instead of hordes of L-train riders paying $20 at the door, he envisions young art patrons paying as much as $250 a head and arriving by limos. Invitations will not only be selective - from 250 to 2,000 - but take the form of questions. 'The applications will be a series of cryptic questions that will be judged solely by me and my own cryptic—entropic?—sense of who I want to be at the event,' he said.": Barf
"An Eyes Wide Shut-inspired gala": Come on dude
"Acts of performance that will literally touch the crowd": They had better literally touch the crowd
"Stylized black eye makeup": -3,000
DUMBO loft with whirlpool tub: +20 if he invites me over

FINAL SCORE: Disqualified for everything


Opening a strip club: There are like thousands of these across the country
Opening an "ironic" strip club: Murderous rage
Comparison between club and pizza oven: I hope you were coked out of your mind when you said that
Living with girlfriend: -10
Favorite book is Glamorama: Wheels within wheels
Hang out with Justin Theroux: +23 for Miami Vice and the Iron Man 2 script

FINAL SCORE: Disqualified for "kevlar-infused Deth Killers jeans"

Look at that! Everyone has been disqualified, leaving me, Max Read, to take the title of coolest "New Club Kid." My first act is to disband the city of New York.