Tabloid sex cheerleader Andrea Peyser has had it with college kids these days who are not constantly fucking each other. Columbia nerds: start boning everyone everywhere at once, or be scolded in your city's semi-literate local newspaper.

Andrea is disgusted that Columbia kids are absorbed with their "smart phones," rather than with throwing rum-soaked dorm room orgies, as is the sacred college tradition, there at Columbia(?). "It's a place where everyone, from freshman to grad student, bangs into one another unawares," complains Andrea. Not bangs like sex but bangs literally thanks to walking around looking at smart phones, hahaha! But seriously though.

Perhaps the problem isn't shyness after all, but snot-nosed superiority run amok.

Walking through Columbia the other day was like strolling through a blank-faced village of the damned. No eye contact was made.

Hey college dorks: when you see Andrea Peyser walking through your campus, you make eye contact, you come over and say hello, and you attempt a Mrs. Robinson-style seduction. And if she doesn't go for it, you fuck one of your classmates right there on "the quad," to provide a little color for Andrea's column. That's the way college works, nerdos, and Andrea Peyser will be damned if you screw up the grand tradition of unrestrained sexual energy that has been Columbia's hallmark since its founding. She hasn't been this demanding since the days of X-Ray cock.