Slate's prudish advice columnist Dear Prudence received a question from a woman dating a man with a tiny, tiny penis. Prudence's response today focuses on love and relationships, but skimps on the sex. We'll get down to the itty-bitty nitty-gritty.
The problem, as posed to Prudence, is this: A woman meets a man who is perfect in every way. She wants to settle down and marry him, except he has a small dick. Prudence tells her—and I'm paraphrasing here—"Well, if you really love him, you can make it work, but if you really need the dick, then dump him and get the dick."
That's totally wrong. There is no reason you should throw a good guy to the curb just because he isn't very blessed in the dong department. Here's how to make it work in the sack when your man doesn't have much of one.
Never Mention It's Small: If a guy has a small dick, he knows he has a small dick and telling him as such is just cruel. There is no need to mention remedies, pills, surgeries, exercises, or new forms of yoga that might give him some extra length. Actually, the fact that you never mention it will give him a boost of confidence, which is always good in the bedroom.
Never Mention It's Big: Even worse than saying it's small is saying it's big. It's one thing to point out the obvious, but if you lie—and he'll know you're lying—then you're just an untrustworthy person. This will get you dumped.
Say Goodbye to Intercourse: Getting fucked just isn't going to feel right if the guy is deficient below the belt. However—just like fat people have to be funny and short people have to be aggressive to get by in the world—guys with small dicks compensate by focusing on other bedroom activities. Most men with a small dicks can give amazing head, so just push his head under the covers and get off that way. But if he wants to stick it in you, you're gonna have to let him. It won't feel great, but it's the price to pay for all that oral action.
Take It to the Rear: There is more to sex than just oral and intercourse. Yes, think the back door! If you're gay and your new man has a little dick, then you'll just always be on top. (Deal with it, there are worse things.) For a lady not very experienced with getting action where the sun don't shine, this is the perfect guy to try it with. It's so small it will barely hurt and he'll get a huge kick out of it.
Cheat: Like Prudence said, sometimes there is nothing that will scratch your itch like a big cock. If you can't get it at home, you shouldn't have a problem finding it elsewhere. Just be safe and discreet. And don't feel too bad, this is something you can't get at home. It's like when you go to a colorist because your stylist is great at the cut but liable to mess a dye job up eight ways to Sunday. It's the same thing. Just don't get caught, though, because a small-dicked guy will never cheat. Well, unless he's a famous professional athlete. (Hey, Mr. Favre!)
Be Careful with Sex Toys: The obvious answer for compensating for a lover without many inches is getting a dildo or vibrator into the mix. While this is a fun and healthy part of sex with an average-to-large-sized man, it can be a total mood kill to our less-fortunate mates. For them, asking for a little plastic assistance is telling them what they already suspect deep down inside: that they're not enough. What you need to do is find a way for him to suggest it. Then you can ride the battery train all the way to Climaxville.
Tighten Up: Doing some Kegel exercises (you know the ones where you pretend like you're stopping the flow of pee) are always a good idea to tighten up down there. But if your man is especially small, it might make things feel better for the both of you, especially if you're a reformed size queen who's trying to make it work.
Got any other tips for those trying to make it work with a tinky winky? Share your suggestions below.