To promote MTV Europe's music awards, a swimsuit- and stiletto-clad Eva Longoria recorded a chest-thumping version of the kind of "rap" kindergarteners do: "Yo, I'm Eva Longoria! / This is the story-a! / Something-something-something Astoria!" Prepare to cringe.

"I'm Lat-in!" Eva announces with a smile, thereby proving that white girls do not have a monopoly on terrible rap renditions.

[There was a video here]

She's probably cursing out her agent as we speak. At least her hair looks great?