The New York Times this weekend profiles two female conservative commentators at very different points in their careers: crazy Upper East Side islamophobic blogger Pamela Geller, and crazy Ann Coulter. What can aspiring female right-wing blowhards learn from their stories?

According to the Times, Ann Coulter's star has waned as she's been "outflanked" by even wackier Tea Party people. So she's rebranding herself as sort of a campy gay conservative icon. This is a promising strategy, as she'll attract the dual outrage-beams of Republicans who hate gays and Liberals who hate gay Republicans.

Then there's Pamela Geller, the Manhattan socialite behind the right-wing blog Atlas Shrugs, and the leading force behind the "Ground Zero Mosque" outrage. She's a relative new-comer, but definitely appears poised to be the crazier Ann Coulter today's right-wingers demand.

Here's what aspiring female conservative firebrands learn from these two successful hate-mongers:

Have the Look
Let's face it: as an aspiring female right-wing media powerhouse, you're not going to make it on your race-baiting skills alone. Both Coulter and Geller have a look that drives conservative dudes wild. Geller famously posted a video of herself frolicking in a bikini while spouting a pro-Israel screed. And Coulter showed up at last month's Homocon party for gay republicans looking "awfully... game," according to the Times

Wearing a black lace-up cocktail dress and high black heels, she posed for a photograph with the founder of Boy Butter, a maker of sex lubricants.

Have a Sense of Humor
Temper your hate speech with funny self-deprecating humor! Ann Coulter is well-known for her hate jokes. Speaking to the Times about her improbable appearance at a gay republican convention, she said: "Except for me, they are the most politically incorrect people you will ever meet." (This makes it OK that she called John Edwards a "faggot," because, see, it was a joke.) Pamela Geller similarly pokes fun at her own inflammatory rhetoric:

In conversation, Ms. Geller habitually refers to herself as a "racist-Islamophobic-anti-Muslim-bigot" - all one word in her pronunciation - which hints at her sense of humor and her evident frustration at her public persona

So, be as big a scumbag as you can possibly be—just make sure you refer humorously to what a scumbag you are.

9/11 Is Your Best Friend
Like white before Labor Day, 9/11 is in style. Obviously, 9/11 looms large no matter what gender of conservative blowhard you are, but both Geller and Coulter got huge career boosts via plundering 9/11 for cheap outrage. Many people first became fully aware of Coulter through her attacks on the 9/11 widows ("I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much.") And Geller shot out of the blogosphere and onto cable news this year through her hysterical railing against the "Ground Zero Mosque."

Be Mean
As a conservative commentator you've got to chose between the vulgar scorn of a Rush Limbaugh or the cuddly, tear-stained passion of a Glenn Beck. Be Rush Limbaugh. Coulter is the queen of the zinger, thrown indiscriminately at 9/11 widows, Obama and entire ethnic groups. Geller, meanwhile, is an unabashed hate crusader, her entire brand built on an especially vile strain of Islamophobia.

Alright, aspiring lady right-wing media powerhouse. Repeat after me: Get fit, get funny, and get mean.

[Image of Ann Coulter and Pamela Geller via Bildungblog]