"Abs in a Box." Abs in a tube. Ab makeup. Ab surgery. America! Abdicate your ab addiction!

Electro-abs are not the answer! Another week, another story in the New York Times Style section about abs. Sure, you could slather $70 lotion all over your belly and maybe "tighten it up" a little bit. Or you could be like this dude Stefan Pinto (pictured) and chronicle your "bare midriff" on Twitter. But would you be able to look yourself in the mirror tomorrow?

We can't answer that for you.

Abs are just a bullshit vanity muscle. (That reminds us: stop doing curls, too). Abs never helped you beat a saber-toothed tiger or haul a boat over the Andes. You know who cares about abs? David Barton and Dave Zinczenko. If you your role models are David Barton and Dave Zinczenko, well, you're already beyond our help. But we can honestly tell you that the ab obsession is—like Spanx for men and needlessly fancy male underwear—just another way for the system to get rich by undermining you, as a man.

LaDainian Tomlinson squats 800 pounds and has a 40 inch vertical leap. You think he has "nice abs?" Well, he probably does. But they're not what make him great. That would be his hardcore attitude.

And the squats.