When you all are watching Glenn Beck's show everyday in the future, listen for a seemingly innocuous phrase: "The Constitution is hanging by a thread." Because Beck might be invoking a centuries-old prophecy about Mormons saving America from itself.
Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank is about to publish his kinda-hyped book about Glenn Beck, Tears of a Clown, which is just a great title. Ace job with the title, Dana Milbank, seriously! Because the book sounds completely terrifying beneath a veneer of comedy, much like clowns.
Beck, of course, converted to Mormonism in 1999, and at least pretends to be devout. It's hard to know what being a "devout Mormon" even means, since they don't let us regular folk into their exclusive space church to view their space rituals. But apparently, "The Constitution is hanging by a thread" means more to them than the simple metaphor would suggest. As Milbank explains, in a preview:
The phrase is often attributed to the Prophet Joseph Smith, founder of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormon Church. Smith is believed to have said in 1840 that when the Constitution hangs by a thread, elders of the Mormon Church will step in — on the proverbial white horse — to save the country.
"When the Constitution of the United States hangs, as it were, upon a single thread, they will have to call for the 'Mormon' Elders to save it from utter destruction; and they will step forth and do it," Brigham Young, Smith's successor as head of the church, wrote in 1855.
Milbank then chronicles the many times Beck has anxiously invoked this, the "White Horse Prophecy," over the past few years. Sometimes he invites other Mormons, and they bat their precious insider prophecy around, while the rest of us schmucks just sit around clueless:
Was it just a coincidence in wording, or was Beck, a 1999 Mormon convert, speaking in coded language about the need to fulfill the Mormon prophecy? A conversation on Beck's radio show ten days earlier would seem to rule out coincidence. Beck was interviewing Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah, also a Mormon, when he said: "I heard Barack Obama talk about the Constitution and I thought, we are at the point or we are very near the point where our Constitution is hanging by a thread."
"Well, let me tell you something," Hatch responded. "I believe the Constitution is hanging by a thread."
So that's one way that Glenn Beck's been fucking with us all this time. But he and Orrin Hatch probably can't step in and take over the government on their own. Mitt Romney, however, is still probably the GOP frontrunner for president in 2012, so... mwahahahah! The Prophecy of White Horses cometh to fruition! We shall return to the space planet for the triumphant space celebration. (No but really, that would suck if the whole point of your religion was to eventually produce Mitt Romney. No offense to our many Mormon readers; but that would suck, right?)