Details gathered a bunch of sexy Russian spy Anna Chapman's ex-boyfriends for a kiss-and-tell drinking session, and the result is like busting open a fire hydrant connected to a pipeline of douche. Let us bear witness.

Details reporter Jeff Gordinier hosted the unprecedented gathering of self-congratulatory bros. Gathered at a bar in Manhattan, "One guy couldn't resist. 'Okay,' he asked after everyone had loosened up. 'Who fucked her?' Several hands shot up."

Three of the Russian bombshell's sexy playthings recount tales of seduction with phrases like "little hand touches," "lips rubbing against an earlobe," and "you have a great body :-)" My favorite Anna Chapman ex is a male model who knows a lot about espionage because he reads spy novels.

"A lot of models would be great recruits for intelligence agencies," he muses Zoolanderishly. "At least the ones who are smart. Some of us are birdbrains. The ones who are smart are actually ideal recruits. They speak multiple languages. There's a lot of beauty, which is important.

Basically, this article is an extended session of morning-after mythologizing at a frat house for men who will spend the rest of their lives reminiscing about the time they banged this smoking hot Russian, straight out of James Bond, and—sigh—hold me. This is an apt metaphor for Anna Chapman's relationship with all of America, too. [Details, images via]