"Mommy is white trash," she allegedly told them. Katie Holmes contemplates bearing more Cruise children. Lou Reed makes Susan Boyle cry. Thursday gossip puts the "fun" in dysfunctional.

  • Remember Fernando Flores, the Britney Spears bodyguard suing over "unwanted sexual advances"? His court documents are now out, and in addition to accusing Brit of exhibitionistic nudity and "vigorous sexual relations," Flores says Brit terrorized her kids by "loudly having sexual relations while her two children were in the suite with her," whipping Sean Preston with a belt, and forcing them to eat crabmeat "despite the fact that they have serious allergies to seafood." (Maybe she thought she could help them build up immunity?) "Mommy is white trash," she explained at one point, according to Flores. [Radar, People, image via Bauer-Griffin]
  • "Bill Clinton, Ashlee Simpson, John Elway, Rosie O'Donnell, Lindsay Lohan, Brett Gardner, Joss Stone... What is the one thing all of these celebrities have in common?? Acid reflux!" [P6]
  • Lou Reed made Susan Boyle cry by blocking her performance of his song "Perfect Day" on America's Got Talent: "He's not a Susan fan. It's a big deal to change a song at the last minute. Susan was really upset. She was in tears and forced to pull out of the show." Other reports have SuBo "walking off" the show, a teary mess of humiliated rage. She is recuperating now at home in the U.K. [P6, TMZ]
  • Yesterday, Snooki's judge called her a "Lindsay Lohan wannabe." Now Lindsay's mom has released a statement: "The family is very disappointed that a judge would say that in a court of law." What are they, a mafia of imagined moral superiority? [TMZ]

Asked whether she will mate again with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes told Marie Claire, "Maybe in a couple of years." In the accompanying photo shoot, Katie looks like a sexy sleepy zombie. [MarieClaire via People, images via MarieClaire.com]

  • Speaking of TomKat, The Romantics' premiere party was full of peril: Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise dodged their annoying fans, Kelsey Grammer slobbered all over his pregnant mistress-turned-girlfriend, and Gabourey Sidibe announced, "I'm so hungry I'm going to pass out." By some miracle, these beautiful afflicted people all survived. [P6]
  • Uh oh. An obscenely drunk Kiefer Sutherland was apparently "swaying, bobbing, and weaving" when his friends dragged him out of a Meatpacking bar at 4AM on a weeknight. [P6]
  • Princess Madeleine of Sweden "has been flirting" with Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, whose previous girlfriends include Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Madeleine moved to New York to work for the World Childhood Foundation. Basically, Sweden : Charitable princesses :: America : Paris Hilton. Stavros Niarchos proves it. [P6]

Red alert! Sizzling hot sexy RED alert! Halle Berry made out with Dark Tide costar Olivier Martinez in public, but not on the set of their movie! Unlike the previous boyfriend, this one is exactly Halle's age. Like the previous boyfriend, this one is terrifyingly gorgeous. Lady sure knows to pick 'em. [People, image via Getty]