The story: This morning the HuffPo speculates that lover, crooner, fighter John Mayer might be getting back with Jennifer Aniston, based on things said at a concert. Mayer then responds, says everything's out of context, and invents exciting new phrases.

The reason I'm calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren't concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they're obnoxious, I'd rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn't make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You're a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you're an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it's uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I'm not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I'm able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you're hocking today.


C-Span scar? What does that even mean? I'm sure it's something bad. I also like the idea of the Huffington Post as a single entity, fucking itself. How exactly does a blog fuck itself? What are the mechanics of that? Lifehacker? Can you explain this please?

Anyway, there you have it. John Mayer has finally defeated the Huffington Post. And the rest was silence.

Oh, except one last question. Why is John Mayer still on the internet?

[John Mayer's Tumblr, Image: Splash]

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