In a new article, Zac Efron moans "best… orgasm… ever!" with his pants unzipped in a public restroom, and Tom Cruise takes him for a pleasure ride on his motorcycle. Conclusion: "Nothing about Efron merits even flipping on the gaydar."

Coming from gay-straight laddie mag Details, that gaydar quip almost reads as a punchline. Without further ado, the five gayest moments from "The Agony of Zac Efron," select bold-faced emphasis mine:

"You ride motorcycles?" [Tom] Cruise asked him. Alas, he didn't. "You wanna learn how?" Cruise invited him out to his house, taught him how a motorcycle engine works, showed him the hangar with his dozens of pristine bikes-including the Triumphs he rode in the Mission: Impossible movies. Efron was allowed to ride a pedigree-less dirt bike.

"Oh…my…God," Efron says with a gasp. "It's like the best…orgasm…ever! And I just keep coming!" Efron and I are in the Soho House bathroom after a pee, and he's lingering at the sink, letting the water pour over his diseased wrists.

Context: Efron had a raging poison oak rashwhile Details writer Andrew Goldman was following him around. (A "crust resembling swollen cornflakes" had overtaken his body.) But it's so much more fun when you don't know that, right? Like so:

Coaxing commences; negotiations occur. "Okay, I'll show you my back, but the front's pretty gross, man," he says, then lifts his shirt.

When he got up to head to the john, I noticed that his pants were fully unbuttoned and unzipped. "I'm just airing it out," he'd said. "It just itches too much."

Here in the bathroom, the topic of other bathrooms comes up, specifically the Japanese one at the famous Los Angeles sushi place Matsuhisa, which has a bidet-like contraption that will essentially shampoo your anus. "Yeah, Vanessa [Hudgens, Efron's purported girlfriend] has one of those," he says.

It doesn't even matter which gender this man prefers for sex. Once you admit to shampooing your anus in a men's magazine featuring a photograph of you in a tight tank top on its cover, you are—for all intents and purposes—gay. That's just the way it works, Zac. [Details, image via]