"Wahh, I live in a Northeastern city and am unaccustomed to weather suitable for human life. Therefore I will complain about this alleged 'heat wave' we've been having." That's what I hear all the time. Hey: it's not that hot.

Shoot. You think this is hot? You haven't seen hot. You think this is hot? Try telling that to people in Ecuador, Saudi Arabia, or Egypt. Not to mention people in Phoenix, Miami, or Atlanta.

This isn't hot. This is nice weather. Mankind originated in Africa. You know why? Because it's hot there. You don't see mankind originating in fucking Antarctica, or New England, for that matter. Pretty tough to originate your species when you're freezing your ass off, eh? Humans didn't pop out of nature's shell wearing PolarArcticTek snow suits. We were born in our birthday suits, and that's god's way of telling us where we should be. Can you walk around naked, as god intended, without freezing your balls off? Then you're in a place that's too god damn cold, brother.

Why people built the best cities where it's all cold and freezing I'll never know. Leads us to become a nation of folks who don't know what the hell to do with themselves when the ice floes finally freeze and the sun comes out. A few 90-degree days and the television people are making a big deal out of it and people on the subway are whining and moaning and old folks are dropping dead because they're too mortified to go hang out in a "cooling center," and who can blame them.

Time was, there was no air-conditioning. No central heat, either. Back then people had the god damn sense in their prehistoric skulls to settle down and live somewhere where the weather was decent. If you had to go out and kill yourself a polar bear if you wanted to wear a jacket, well, you might consider moving on down south, am I wrong? Nowadays any fool with a dollar can wrap himself in fleece and move to some Northern metropolis where you wouldn't be surprised a bit to see snow on the ground six months out of the year. Then those people get so cold-blooded that when the blessed summer finally rolls around, they don't know what to do with themselves. Trying to get through a summer wearing jeans every day. No wonder you're hot.

It's just not natural.

Our bodies have a built-in mechanism to deal with heat. It's called sweating your ass off. Live it, love it, embrace it. On the other hand, there is no built-in mechanism to counteract frostbite. Well yea, one: death. And gnawing your own arm off to escape a bleak and frozen moonscape. Why people prefer that to a little sunburn, I'll never know. All I know is, Jesus Christ, I'll take a little sweat and skin cancer and a moderate number of heat stroke victims over months upon months huddled indoors wrapped in blankets around the heat vent any day. Complaining about the heat? Remember that when you're knee-deep in dirty ice puddle with subfreezing water soaking through socks next January, friend. You people sure do have some mixed-up priorities.

It's really not that hot.

[Photo: Flickr]