Monkey soldiers of killer doom? Prehensile terror tails and teeth! Trained macaques wielding automatic weapons and Islamofasctist sympathies! The word is finally out: the Taliban is using the CIA's murder monkey program against us. The troops! The troops!

The New York Post picked up this alarming story from the China People's Daily, so we will take you straight to the source, for the English-as-a-second-language report of just how Afghanistan is shooting at our brave young men and women now: monkey-like.

Afghanistan's Taliban insurgents are training monkeys to use weapons to attack American troops, according to a recent report by a British-based media agency.

Reporters from the media agency spotted and took photos of a few "monkey soldiers" holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns...According to the report, American military experts call them "monkey terrorists."

So "monkey terrorist" wasn't a racist code word at all. It was fearfully literal! Weep for Waziristan's protectors, doomed to face unrepentant simians trained in the art of trigger-pulling. The anthropoid guerillas have sparked high-level diplomatic contretemps amongst the warring nations, as each side psychologically and asymmetrically attempts to manipulate the media into manipulating public opinion to prove that the cartoonish baboonish bazookamongers are positive or negative signs, for victory and/ or defeat!

An American official responded that the Taliban forces have started training "monkey soldiers" after suffering heavy losses, implying that they have exhausted their tricks. Nevertheless, the Taliban believe that the emergence of "monkey soldiers" indicates that they have found smarter and more effective ways to cope with American troops.

So, the Taliban told the China's People Daily that monkeys are smarter and more effective than they, the Taliban soldiers, are.

Good newspaper! Fear the macaque musketeers!