Actor John Stamos tried to perform oral sex on a 17-year-old girl after plying her with cocaine delivered by strippers, according to the girl, who is now on trial for attempting to extort Stamos out of $680,000. Have mercy!

Allison Coss, 24, and Scott Sippola, 31, are charged with trying to bilk Stamos out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by claiming to have pictures of him with cocaine and strippers. Their trial started today. Stamos says the photos don't exist, and the FBI can't find them, apparently.

The judge has ruled that testimony about Coss and Stamos' alleged relationship won't be allowed in the trial, but since opening arguments aren't testimony, Coss and Sippola's lawyer went ahead and told their beautiful, romantic story anway. It starts over Coss' high school spring break in 2004, when, Coss says, Stamos met her at a club, bought her a drink, and took her back to his hotel room—even though, she claims, she told him her age:

Henderson said Stamos and Coss later kissed on a bed and got into a hot tub together after Stamos undressed and Coss stripped to her underwear [Ed. Whoa, baby!]. She said Stamos offered to perform oral sex on Coss, but she declined [Ed. No way José]. Florida law makes it a second-degree felony for someone 24 or older to have oral sex with anyone 16 or 17 years old. It carries a penalty of up to 15 years in prison [Ed. You're in big trouble, mister!].

Stamos eventually became frustrated, broke a bedpost with his hand [Ed. How rude!] and left the room before apologizing and inviting Coss to spend the night, which she did, Henderson said.

So, even in the story Coss' lawyer tells, Stamos and Coss didn't, you know, "pin the rose on the nose," if you will. The two allegedly remained "flirty" email buds, writing to each other "with some regularity," probably about politics and international affairs and what have you.

But that's all just a story told by the accused extortionists' lawyer. What's undisputed is this: Last year, Stamos received two emails, one, from a mysterious "Jessica T" (the "T" stands for "Trouble") who claimed to be pregnant with a Stamos spawn, and the second from an equally mysterious "Brian L" (the "L" stands for "Lawbreaker"), who said he had photographs of Stamos with strippers and cocaine. In a bad way. According to the FBI, "Jessica T" and "Brian L" are actually... Dave Coulier Coss and Sippola.