New York Post sex columnist Andrea Peyser is positively smitten with America's heartthrob, Lindsay Lohan. It's so obvious. Andrea's just like a little kid, spewing false insults at her crush object to cover up her undying love.

Andrea dreams of caressing Lindsay from head to backside:

What Linz desperately needs is a swift kick in the teeth, a foot in the backside and a broom with which to clean up her many messes, which I would not touch with a full-body condom.

Lindsay is a bad, bad girl. Bad, bad, bad. Andrea can only imagine the bad things she could teach her.

Even in LA, a town of second, third and 23rd chances, the pathologically spoiled, drug-addled skank finally went too far

Andrea's adorable lovelorn hints are so ill-concealed:

As the final insult, she came to court on Tuesday with her left middle fingernail stenciled with the height of obscenities — "f - - k u" — which Lindsay aimed squarely at the judge, spectators and the planet in general. It should have been aimed squarely at Lindsay herself.

See? Andrea Peyser wants to "fuck u," Lindsay. Call her.