In our attempt to defame each of America's fifty states (we've already insulted New Jersey and Michigan), we turn today to Florida, where incredibly dumb things frequently happen. Like dogs running over humans and babies getting caught smoking weed.

Yes, America's jungle rotted phallus is not home to geniuses or fancy snooty types. But it is home to Teences, the Driving Dog. And like his cat cousin, this driving dog aims to kill people. His owner, a 43-year-old grownup from Ridge Manor, was checking his F150 pickup truck for oil leaks and, brilliantly, decided to leave the car in neutral with the door open. His bulldog jumped in, put the car into gear, and rolled right over his owner. Luckily the man didn't suffer life-threatening injuries. You can bet that when he's better he's going to take that dog down to the DMV for a proper driving test!

While he's on his way maybe he can take the bong smoking baby over to child protective services. The popular internet photo of an 11-month-old Keystone Heights infant taking a sweet bong rip (or maybe just putting the bong to his mouth) was sent to one friend by his 19-year-old mother and then the whole thing snowballed outta control. She posted the following explanation on her Facebook page:

If u look at the picture u can see that there is no bowl in the TABACCO pipe. And i took a pic to show one [expletive, that we can guess is "fuckin" or maybe "fukin"] person and it was a mistake. I would never ever ever let him get high.

Shockingly the young woman has had the Florida Department of Children and Families over to her house twice before.

Florida! Land of dead conquistadors and responsible pet and child owners. Good thing the gays can't adopt there, y'know?