BP CEO and "guy who's fun to yell at" Tony Hayward will testify in Congress tomorrow! Sucks to be him. His only strategy: make the panel cry with a depressing, hammy opening statement, a window into his prison of despair.

BP has released the text (pdf) of Hayward's opening statement. It's a slow read, when you're sobbing.

Let me be very clear: I fully grasp the terrible reality of the situation. When I learned that eleven men had lost their lives in the explosion and fire on the Deepwater Horizon, I was personally devastated. Three weeks ago, I attended a memorial service for those men, and it was a shattering moment. I want to offer my sincere condolences to their friends and families – I can only imagine their sorrow. My sadness has only grown as the disaster continues. I want to speak directly to the people who live and work in the Gulf region: I know that this incident has profoundly impacted lives and caused turmoil, and I deeply regret that.

Will his sadness ever stop growing? The man is going to kill himself! Maybe some of those Hill staffers should pick up an ice cream cake or chocolate pie or whatever for him before the hearing, to get him through the session. Afterwards, who cares, he's on his own.