Who says that Americans are a bunch of lazy suckers who believe that they can get in shape only by purchasing video games and fancy gizmos? Now, Americans know they must instead purchase magic swimsuits and pseudoscientific shoes. Fitness ahoy!

We will simply note the two fitness trends of the day that prove that Americans have wised up. We're not falling for bullshit like juice cleanses any more. We've come to realize that getting in shape requires much more than simply stuffing ourselves inside some deceptive "Spanx"; it also requires stuffing ourselves inside a $180 Miraclesuit™, the only swimsuit that can make you look ten pounds lighter, thanks to "Miratex, a patented spandex material with three times the amount of Lycra used in normal bathing suits."

And also "toning shoes." Americans simply cannot buy enough "toning shoes." Which are bullshit, yes, but....maybe they're not, and you wouldn't want to miss out on the magic toning benefit of some ugly $100 Reebok "EasyTones," just in case. Better safe than sorry when it comes to magical fake buttocks-toning footwear, is what well-known fitness experts always say.

Sweat is still free.