Fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern called this morning and said she couldn't write about The City. Something to do with prostitution charges and Tom Arnold. Anyway, you're stuck with me, and I actually had to watch the show.

I didn't quite know how to process this little thing, but I hated it in the way that I hate all the things that I really love. So, until we can spring Betsey, I'm going to have to write about it the only way I know how: a listicle!

The 10 Things I Hate about The City
by Brian J. Moylan

1. Erin Can't Fire Olivia: Seriously, the only reason Olivia has a job is because she is on this show. I guess it's sort of PR director Erin Kaplan's fault that she made a deal with the devil to get Elle exposure and now she has to deal with Olivia. But I love Erin. She's a hard worker (or seems like one, at least), tells it like it is, and appears to have had to fight for her position in the tough world of publishing. I know that drill. Anyway, I want to give her the satisfaction of firing the fuck out of Olivia. But when there are great scenes like their passive-aggressive shopping trip where Olivia recommends Erin wear a "chunky sweater," we're so glad she's still on the show.

2. No One Listens to Kelly Cutrone: Kelly Cutrone may be bat shit insane, but she is one cool, smart lady and she always has good advice. Whenever she tells the girls that something will happen, they ignore her and it ends up happening and they feel like assholes. This happens just about every week with Whitney, who continues to let Roxy ride her coattails for whatever reason. Whitney needs to start listening to her producer-appointed boss who could really help her in this world.

3. Somehow, I Don't Hate Whitney: Whitney is pretty stupid and naive and needs to stand up for herself, but I don't hate her. I actually want her to do well. That is fucking disgusting. How can I like a person on an MTV reality show? This shouldn't be happening.

4. Joe Zee Is on This Show: Joe Zee is smart, successful, and stylish. He should not be on reality television. He should be running a magazine and going to glamorous parties and telling funny anecdotes. It's not that we mind seeing him. He's source of reason on this insane slice of a made-up universe, but we want better for him.

5. There Are No Consequences for Olivia: Seriously, she treats everyone like shit. She totally talks back to Joe Zee and he can't even bitch her out. This is what life is like if you are young, rich, and slightly famous. You just float through the atmosphere doing whatever you want and not fearing the result. Fucking Olivia.

6. Seth, the Gay Assistant, Is Not My Boyfriend: Seth, you are cute and you are Team Erin. That means I love you. Call me.

7. It Is Bleeding into the Real World: Whitney's clothes are available at stores. You can see Olivia pretending to be a reporter on This is not some silly thing made up for the cameras like the behind-the-scenes drama at the magazine and the PR firm. These are real tangible clothes and articles that some people might stumble upon and not know they were totally invented for some fake confection on MTV. At least on The Hills no one could buy one of those silly parties they throw for the cast. The fact that this could have a life outside of it's 30 over-edited minutes is frightening.

8. I Look Forward to It: Not as much as Glee, but, yes, I do. God, how have I been lured into this honeypot?

9. Kelly Cutrone Is Not My Mentor: On the days when I am sad and New York seems big and dark and mean, I want Kelly Cutrone to sit me down in her office and deliver some manic, curse-riddled rant about how I need to be tough or the world will grind me under its designer boot. This doesn't happen. It's like when I wake up from a really vivid dream about a Madonna concert only to realize that it was a fantasy. Then I pull the covers over my head and cry.

10. Whitney Didn't Cry: Speaking of crying, Whitney is now so tough thanks to Kell-Kell, that she didn't lose her shit when Anne Slowey, the fashion news director of Elle and one-time Project Runway replacement judge, told her that her line was a bunch of amateurish, hackneyed pieces that don't even belong on the clearance rack at T.J. Maxx. Anne was awesome and the appropriate response from Whitney should have been tears. But no, she had to go making us like her more by not crying. Fucking Whitney. She is such a bitch.