Like Hamlet and Maury, Gossip Girl is often about paternity. Is he my father? Is he not my father? Is my new dad poisoning my mother? Who's your daddy? So many important questions, so few DNA tests.

Serena and Eric finally got to know their father, Chuck got a little bit closer to being over his father's death, Blair got into the granddaddy of all New York Universities, Jenny finally gets a spanking from her real pop, and Dan, well, he shipped his earth mother off to Haiti and we hope that she dies there. With all of this fathering going on, the state of the Upper East Side power structure was in flux.

We should all feel abandoned because hot daddy Richard Lawson is currently toiling over his brilliant scribblings about the Real Housewives of New Jersey, so you're stuck with only Momma Moylan for the last three episodes of the season. Without further ado, let us see how everyone fared in the rankings this week.

Power Play: It will be so much easier for her to get to Columbia from the Polish refugee camp in Queens than for her to go to the East Village: +2
Total: 2
Season to Date: 77
Power Position: Up

Fashion Points: Great yellow coat when she visits Columbia: +1, Red braided dress at the gala: -1, Gets Ramona Singer Brand Crazy Eyes™ when she gets excited: -1
Personality Flaw: Hates falafel: +2
Power Play: Her sending a text is like watching Lady Gaga set a piano on fire: +1, Is getting third personed by someone else: -1, Both Chuck and Gossip Girl pick on her for going to lowly NYU. Aren't there worse things than going to NYU? No, not really: -2, Has a serendipitous run in with a Columbia admissions officer: +1, Shows the Ivy Mean Girls that she is still queen B: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Convinced Chuck to come to the party to tell Lily he loves her: +1
Social Schemes: Lies about going to Columbia: +1, Outs Jenny as a drug dealer: +2 The Ivy Mean Girls discover she's lying: -2, Actually gets into Columbia: +3, Thanks to Chuck: +1
Total: 8
Season to Date: 20
Power Position: Up

Family Secrets: Attends the gala to show Lily his support: +2
Fashion Points: No one rocks a tux like Chuck Bass: +1
Personality Flaw: Who hasn't done blow for breakfast at least once: +1, Lily brings out his mommy issues: -1
Power Play: The ghosts of his depravity haunt his old room: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Gets Blair into Columbia: +2
Social Schemes: He knows that something is fishy with William: +1, Now that he's being protective of Momma Lily, William better watch out: +1
Total: 8
Season to Date: 20
Power Position: Up

Family Secrets: Is rightfully wary of his new-found father: +2, Comes out to his father because the gays really hate a Baldwin: +2, Falls into his father's trap and sits with him by the fireside: -2
Personality Flaw: Sexting is never a good idea: -1
Power Play: Has some man-on-man bonding time with Rufus: +1, Do you think that Eric sits in his room and dreams about what his stepfather looks like naked? Creepy!: -1, For the first time in his little gay life, two men are fighting over him, even though it's Rufus and William: +2
Sexual Intrigue: His dad gets him laid: +1
Total: 4
Season to Date: 3
Power Position: Up

Family Secrets: Her relationship with Chuck is really sweet: +3
Fashion Points: That pink bow in her hair looked like something you'd tie around a French bulldog's tail: -1
Personality Flaw: Wants to eat a waffle: -1
Power Play: She is blinded by a Baldwin: -2
Social Schemes: She's being poisoned or something: -2, Some people are starting to figure it out and will save her: +2
WTF: Everyone thinks she still has cancer: +5
Total: 4
Season to Date: -3
Power Position: Down

Drug Dealer Jenny:
Fashion Points: Why does she continue to look like a blond Morticia Addams?: -1, Her dress for the gala looks like a moldy shower curtain from a Fort Lauderdale bathhouse: -1
Personality Flaw: Jenny really has some serious daddy issues for being one of two characters on the whole show who has an actual father: -1, Is too stupid to understand independent movies: -1
Power Play: Wins in the "Great Battle for Serena's Bedroom of 2010": +1, This girl can't even deal drugs properly: -2, Doesn't get to tell dad she is a drug dealer before he finds out: -1, It takes a real moron to fuck up dealing drugs: -1, Is the pawn for this episode's Bing product placement: -1, Doesn't narrow down her search past "cancer" because she has time to go through the 90,600,000 hits while living in Brooklyn: -2
Social Schemes: Tells Serena's dad about his daughter's slutty exploits: +2, We love the Serena/Jenny war of bad acting: +1, Figures out that something is going on with Lily's illness: +2, Is smart enough to call Chuck for help: +2
WTF: Just like we always said, Jenny being a drug dealer was going to turn out to be a good thing: +3
Total: 0
Season to Date: -11
Power Position: Up

WTF: Seriously, what is Nate here for other than to stick it in Serena's insatiable lady parts? He never has his own storyline. He never progresses the plot. Half the time he's wearing a horrible outfit or has some janky hairline. He can't act, he can't sing, and he hasn't taken his top off since season two. Can't he carry Vanessa's camera in Haiti or something?: -5
Total: -5
Season to Date: -22
Power Position: Up

Personality Flaw: Watches Jersey Shore: +3
Power Play: Jenny invades his Brooklyn pussy den: -1, Actually gives Jenny some good big brother advice: +2
Sexual Intrigue: Is always trying to set rules in his relationship. There is no way to kill getting laid faster, my man: -1, Sends Vanessa to Haiti. Freedom! Thank you!: +4
WTF: Everything about this sentence "We're two artists in a relationship, sometimes we'll want the same things": -2, When Vanessa leaves for Haiti, why didn't he pick up the phone and call Olivia? We always liked her: 0 (just wondering)
Total: 5
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Down

Fashion Points: Somehow finds a way to make something as awesome as purple sequins look horrible: -2
Power Play: Has been offered a CNN internship in Haiti for three months: +4 (for being out of our lady dreads hair), Thinks that she needs to turn down an internship to a CNN honcho in person. Has she never met this person?: -2
Sexual Intrigue: Her Tisch school catalog ruins Dan's life: -1, Says no to Haiti for Dan's sake: -1, Then Dan tells her to go!: +2
WTF: Vanessa is gone! For three months! In Haiti! Horrible things happen there like diseases, accidents, and random acts of destruction. She may not survive!: +10
Total: 10
Season to Date: -26
Power Position: Up (and out!)

Family Secrets: Knows more about what is going on with Dan's love life than Dan: +1, Finds out his daughter is a drug dealer from overhearing some stupid girl in the hallway: -2
Power Play: Somehow Lily is now getting credit for making the waffles: -1, Serena orders him out of his seat at the table and he actually listens: -2, His rival is moving into the building: -2, Is completely useless as an arbiter in the Serena/Jenny war: -1, Serena uninvites him from a party: -1, Has Eric's support, for whatever that's worth: +1, Leaves Eric alone to get laid when his boyfriend shows up which is just the kind of stepdad every gay teen needs: +2
Social Schemes: Gives Vanessa a good recommendation for the internship that will get her out of our hair for three months: +1, Uses his Co-op board influence to get William banned from the building: +3, Disses his hot black neighbor Holland: -1, She rats him out to Serena: -2
WTF: Will he please, please, please parent Jenny like an actual human father?: 0 (no points, just a plea)
Total: -3
Season to Date: -27
Power Position: Up

Fashion Points: There seems to be an inverse relationship between Serena's cleavage and hemline. If there is little to no cleavage, then there is a super short, cooch-baring hem. If the skirt reaches the floor, the cut along the bust reaches the belly button. It's like her body weight can only support so much fabric at any given time: 0 (just an observation), There is a glittery leech siphoning off her bodily fluids through her shoulder: -2, That hat she wears in the trailer for next week!: -1
Personality Flaw: Damn, she has daddy issues!: -2, Completely blinded by a Baldwin: -2, Once won an absinthe drinking contest: +2
Power Play: Kicks Rufus out of his seat: +1, Loses the "Great Battle of Serena's Bedroom of 2010": -1, Disinvites Rufus from the gala: +1, Pushes Rufus out of the family fireside chat: +2
Social Schemes: We love the Serena/Jenny war of bad acting: +1, She keeps defending her father even though he is an awful tyrant: -2, Tells her father that she is a no-good skank: +1, Gets the dirt on Rufus from sexy black lady Holland: +3
Total: 1
Season to Date: 44
Power Position: Up